In My Life
by JanesSmile
Summary: A tragic accident forever alters their lives. The six are changed, emotionally and physically. Bella returns, four years later, to pick up the pieces of whats left of Edward. Will he be there to pick up the pieces of whats left of her? A/H
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Wish I did, but I don't.**

**A/N: Thank you for reading my first fic, R/R please. I have this story completely outlined. It has a beginning and eventually it will have an end. I don't have a beta. I always try my best but there might or might not be mistakes, life will go on. I don't do it on purpose or to annoy you. I do appreciate you taking the time to ready my story. Thanks again! Now lets begin!  
**

_There are places I remember  
All my life though some have changed  
Some forever not for better  
Some have gone and some remain  
All these places had their moments  
With lovers and friends I still can recall  
Some are dead and some are living  
In my life I've loved them all_

_**  
In My Life-The Beatles**_

I sped past the Welcome to Forks sign so fast it was a mere glimpse out the corner of my eye.

I was home. Home hadn't been where I was, it was where I was going, where I am. It had been four years, four long years. I had finished school six days ago, skipped my commencement ceremony, packed my life in a few boxes and got in the car. There wasn't anybody special to say goodbye to and I knew I wasn't going to be missed. Sad, Yes. But four years ago I had a mission. Runaway. And I did.

I wasn't always like this, it wasn't who I was, what I had become. I was happy.... no that doesn't quite describe my life years ago. I lived in a bubble of sheer perfection. My life WAS perfect and I could never imagine how much that would change. We were all under that misconception.

Us.

Them.

The six of us.

We just were, it just was.

There wasn't a magnificent moment in my life that didn't include one of them, all of them. Our moments. Our memories. Shopping with Alice, Rosalie's dirty mouth, Em's protectiveness, Jasper's talks, and Edward's.... well Edward's everything. I missed them now, more than I realized, more than I would admit to myself all these years. I was strong like that, able to shield my emotions, put them away. We grew together, shared laughs, shared life. We were each other's first, some more than others. It was hard to date, bring anyone else into our little bubble. I mean we did it, but when we were together we never talked about it, it was though it really didn't happen. We lost others because of our friendship, I mean who really ever could compete?

We were each other's sanity, sanctity, our paradise in this rainy little town. It was silly, we really believed that we would exist in each other's lives forever. We were young, naive.... hopeful? I mean we knew the facts. We were going to college and no not together. There would be holidays, vacations. Something. Instead I had not been home in years. The last time was so heartbreaking I could not bare to stand it again. There had been calls, emails, a visit to them, a visit to me. But never had I come home again. The one place I was wanted, where I needed to be. Home.

Alice had called me last month begging me to come back after school. If I wouldn't come back for good for her and everyone else I was at least obligated to return for the promise we made when we were fourteen. The wedding promise three silly teen girls made at our Friday night sleepover. We would be part of each other's weddings. It hit me like a ton of bricks, she had moved on. She was going to have a life. I was happy and sad all at the same time… and envious.

That was the push I needed to get my life together. When I called her back and said not only was I coming but I was back for good her scream brought me back. That act alone made me feel like a kid again, her pure excitement. I didn't ask about anybody else, I knew they would be there too. Only Alice could bring us back and I knew what she wanted in return. Well from me at least.

The last I heard things were bad. He wasn't the same, he hadn't been the same. My own selfishness prevented me seeing what I was meant to be seen. What I should have seen. But how could I fix it if I was still so broken?

Not anymore. He needed us. He needed me. Though I'm not sure he knew that yet.

I parked outside of the gates and got out of car. The freshness, the mist hit me hard. No place smelled like this, clean. The wind blew my hair and I was cold. California had never been like this, which was why I was back. As much as I hated it then, I couldn't help but smile as the crisp breeze hit my face.

I walked up the hill, slowly. I was dreading this moment. I had not been back here since that rainy morning. Three days after that night. That night that would forever change us.

"Hey."

Nothing. The wind blew.

"So I'm back… for good… well not here, I'll be in Seattle, but you know what I mean."

"Ummm…" I had played this out a million times during my drive home, but now that I was here nothing I planned to say came out.

"So can you believe Alice is getting married? I was on my way to meet him but I had to come see you. His name is Jackson Monroe and he is from some small southern town. Sound familiar? I'm sure she has already told you." I could tell that she had come for a visit. How often does she come, how many times? Has he ever? My mind was wandering and I needed to bring it back.

"She misses you…." Everyday, I'm sure of this, she tells me. Who else does she tell? I wonder, I wonder lots of things. Come back again Bella. I was gone again. This moment was harder than I thought it would be.

"God I miss you….and I'm sorry."

"Sorry I haven't been back, sorry I haven't come to see you, sorry that I didn't take care of them, sorry for….that night." I hate that night. The hate consumed me, made me runaway. Not anymore.

"I know I can't change it, but I had to say it. I will fix this. Me, them. That's why I'm home. I can't change that night but I will make us better. Him better."

"Okay then, I have to go. I'll be back soon, I promise." The wind blew and carried the old wilted flowers way. Alice's flowers.

"Okay….." I held my breath for a moment and closed my eyes.

I exhaled and opened my eyes. "Bye."

I took one last look and held back my tears.

Jasper Whitlock 1986-2004

I slowly ran down the hill and got in my car. I was on my way home, not my house. The only place where I was myself. The reason I came back, the reason I was here.

The Cullens.

**A/N: Jackson Rathbones real name is Monroe Jackson Rathbone, he told a funny story about it and thats where that came from.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Wish I did, but I don't.**

_The long and winding road  
That leads to your door  
Will never disappear  
I've seen that road before  
It always leads me here  
Lead me to your door.  
_

_The wild and windy night  
That the rain washed away  
Has left a pool of tears  
Crying for the day.  
Why leave me standing here?  
Let me know the way._

_Many times I've been alone  
And many times I've cried,  
Anyway you've always known  
The many ways I've tried._

_**The Long and Winding Road-The Beatles**_

It didn't take long to get through Fork's and to the Cullen's home. I thought about seeing Charlie first, but I knew he was working and I could put it off until later tonight. I made my final stretch down the long and winding road. And then it appeared. The house that was so full of what I had grown to rely on.

I parked my car and sat there for a few moments, praying that they didn't hear me pull up and were watching me sitting here freaking out. I calmed myself, remembering why I was here. What I was here for and why. It was now or never and I finally took a breath, put my hand on the handle and got out of my car. _God dammit Bella, pull it together._

I knocked on the door. Something I never used to do. I knew he wasn't going to answer. That helped me relax for a minute.

The door opened.

"Hello, you must be Bella" he said, his southern drawl and charming smile stunning me for a moment.

"Uhhh, yes that's me and I'm guessing you're Jackson?" I smiled, I couldn't really help myself. He was wearing a black suit, a white shirt and a black tie that hug loosely around his collar. His black wavy hair was tucked perfectly behind his ears. I instantly knew what initially attracted Alice to this southern gentleman. His voice was like comfort and somewhat familiar.

We walked from the foyer to the living room, a vast space, and sat on the couch. He sat in one, I the other, and then we waited. For what I wasn't sure, I just didn't even know where to begin, what to say. He obviously sensed this and cleared his throat. I chose to end this uncomfortable nonsense. He was married to Alice so I suppose he was used to not talking much. Speaking of…

"Where's Alice?" Ah yes that was something.

"She's with Edward, he needed some help" he said quietly, his eyes speaking volumes.

"And the Mr. and Mrs.?" I said with a smile.

"Actually I'm not sure, they were gone when we got back from shopping today."

"Shopping of course" I winked.

We couldn't help but laugh. I had grown accustom to Alice's epic shopping sprees, but I grew to love them, well maybe tolerate, because I loved her. That and the fact I always came away with a little assistance gift. My whole high school wardrobe was based on my willingness to accompany her and provide my opinion. Which in the end never really mattered, she knew what she wanted. We had some of our best talks on those outings and her fashion advice saved me from being completely unfortunate during those awkward years.

Before he could respond Alice stepped in the room and froze. It had been sometime since I had seen her last and although she knew I was coming she just stood there not saying a word. I knew I had to break her.

"Jackson, did your wife tell you she taught me how to kiss? We were 12 and I was so scared about it and she was so sick about hearing me complain she just kissed me one day. I was so shocked at first I didn't know what to do, but then I did. And she was really wonderful." I smiled at her.

For a minute he was too shocked, too uncomfortable. But then he looked at Alice and laughed. He looked at me and winked. I realized then, he would be just fine.

"Oh darling, I know she's wonderful."

Alice came over to me and hugged me so tight I could hardly breathe. I wrapped my arms around that tiny little girl and let out the breathe I didn't realize I was holding.

"I missed you Bella. I can't believe you're finally here." Her voice quieter than I had ever heard her before.

"Alice honey I think that's the longest I heard you go without talking!" I felt her smile on my shoulder and heard her laugh. It really was a great sound. Infectious.

I felt the need to ease the tension that might take over the room. I knew she was expecting me to ask about where he was but I needed to calm myself before I was ready to hear her answer. I knew where he was and as soon as she told me, once it was out in the open, I would have to see him. I knew I wasn't ready. Not yet.

"So Alice, tell me about this man, I know you're dying to." She really did, I could see the happiness just radiating off of her.

She jumped onto the couch and began to tell me with excitement how he came into her life. She ran her hand through her pixy little do and I could see her picturing that day.

"Bella, remember when I went to visit Emmett and Rose in Texas?"

I nodded. Emmett and Rosalie had gone to school In Texas. It really wasn't where they wanted to be but Emmett got a scholarship to play ball at the University of Texas. It was a great opportunity and of course Rosalie would follow. She may be tough as nails but she loved that boy. Last fall they tried to get me to join the group In Texas, it was a big game and I hadn't seen them in… well it had been too long. I couldn't though, I came up with reasons they saw through, but nonetheless they let me pass without saying what they wanted to say.

"Well, Rose and I were eating at this small little southern diner, it was actually called Little Southern Diner, after shopping all day." She laughed. "And in he came….."

I had never heard of a love at first sight story but I'm sure if anyone would have one it would be Alice. She deserved it.

Alice continued with their story, glancing at Jackson with adoration in her eyes. They looked at each other in a way I had never experienced before. Maybe in a way I had never allowed myself to experience before.

"And then he asked me to marry him, and that's how we got here. Bella, I can't believe you're here… Thank you, this means so much to me, you mean so much to me…us." She smiled, but her eyes told a different story. I knew she thought that maybe I wasn't going to stay. I had to reassure her if we were ever going to move on.

"I missed you too. Alice you know… I'm here for the summer before I move to Seattle. I know your wedding has been planned since you were eight, but I'm here for you. I'm looking forward to shopping, dress fittings, and showers and more shopping and whatever the hell you do to prepare for a wedding." I hoped she didn't sense any sarcasm. But I meant it, about being there for her. I needed to make up for all the times I wasn't, when I should have been.

"Alice…?" She stared at me with a blank expression, eyes glazed over.

"Did you just say you were looking forward to shopping and helping me plan a wedding? Oh my god, who are you and what have you done with Bella Swan?" She held her heart and laughed.

"Shut up! Don't push it." I attacked her with a big hug. Jackson looked at me, at Alice, and I could see how much her happiness meant to him.

I was back, not completely, but this was comfortable again. My life. How did I possibly manage the last few years without them? So I knew it was time to ask…

"Where is Edward?" I asked, abruptly stopping all the laughter.

"In the back bedroom, the old guest room"

I knew the answer before I even asked. He had not been in his bedroom on the third floor since that night. Alice told me she was going to tell him I was coming home, but she never followed up on that conversation. I had no idea how he felt about my return. And that scared me. A lot.

"You should really go talk to him before everyone else comes home. I know he's waiting for you." She said it with such certainty. I still had to be sure.

"He is?"

"Bella…." Her tone stated the obvious. Alice and Jackson looked at me and I knew what I had to go, who I needed to see. Edward. It was time.

I got up and tugged at my shirt. I slid my foot in and out of my flat. I ran my fingers through my hair and took a deep breath.

"Bella you look beautiful… please, he really is waiting for you."

I must have looked like I needed a push.

I made my way to the hallway. Memories lined the walls. Pictures of Carlisle and Esme on their wedding day. Alice on her bike, Edward at the piano, the three of us in front of her new car and the six of us on graduation day. There were countless others that all captured a single moment of pure bliss.

The door was open and I walked in unsure of what I was about to say or do. I looked around and noticed the doors leading to the balcony were open. I made my way over and stood in the doorway.

There he was.

I wondered if he sensed I was here watching him. His hair blew in the breeze, copper, like a new penny. He was still pale as ever but it was him, he changed, but not really. I hadn't seen his eyes and I knew that would tell me what he had been through, what he was going through.

I rambled in my head, not sure what I was about to say.

_I miss you_

_I've needed you._

_Have you needed me too?_

_That night wasn't your fault._

And then he turned his wheelchair around and stared at me. He took my breath away, the sadness in his eyes couldn't take away the beauty in his face.

"Bella…"

"Edward…"


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Wish I did, but I don't.**

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear  
And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear  
Take the wheel and steer  
It's driven me before  
And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal  
But lately I'm beginning to find that I  
Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there  
With open arms and open eyes yeah

_**Drive-Incubus**_

"Bella…"

"Edward…"

I could see the sadness in his eyes. He was tired. His jaw was clenched. He was holding onto his chair as though someone was trying to pull him away.

It was then I realized I had no idea what to say, what to do. "How are you doing?" seemed like such a ridiculous thing to ask, I knew the answer. Not good.

I pushed my palms against the doorway. My elbows aligned with my hips. I could feel his eyes on me. He was looking at me with fierce intensity. Assessing me, reading me, trying to figure me out. It was never this way with us before. It was never this hard.

"So….." _Brilliant Bella._

"You're here." His voice was exactly how I remembered it. Melodic, soothing, exactly what I needed it to be. I needed to hear him, to help me ease.

"I am."

_I'll be here if you want me._

_For as long as you need me._

_I won't leave you again._

_I was selfish._

_I'm sorry._

_Do you forgive me?_

I knew we were far away from that conversation. It would take time to get there, to relive the memories that were present today, yet still hidden, unspoken. We would have to remember that night, what led up to it, how we got there. We would have to deal with the aftermath, the emotions, what that night did to us, to them, to our family, to our future. We would have to face the choices we made, right and wrong, and the consequences of our actions. My actions.

Edward cleared his throat and lifted his hand. He motioned towards me.

"Bella…. Please, sit with me."

I took myself away from thoughts of what was to become soon. I pushed myself away and walked towards him. All I really wanted to do was curl up on his lap and cry. I actually hadn't expected him to be using his chair. Alice had told me that he went through periods of time where he would decide to use his wheelchair again. I sat down in a plush lounge chair.

"I go back to the doctors today, I needed a new fitting. " He looked at me as if he were reading my mind. Was I staring at the chair?

"Oh… well…" _Fuck Bella. I'm and idiot._

"I ran into Charlie at physical therapy. He was helping Newton get to an appointment." He laughed to himself quietly. I couldn't help but laugh too. He looked at me and his face lit up. It was nice to laugh with him, even briefly.

"Yeah I heard about Mike, shot himself in the foot, what an idiot." It really wasn't that funny if it had been anyone else, but it was Mike, so it was okay to laugh at his expense. My father hadn't found it too funny though but I mean c'mon.

"Have you seen your father yet? He misses you a lot you know. I could tell he was excited for you to get home, and that says a lot, you know how Charlie is?"

I felt there might be a hidden message amongst his words. Was he excited? Did he miss me? But I knew what he meant, Charlie wasn't one to express his feelings often.

"I haven't been home yet, I came straight here." _Well that was a lie._

"Really?" He knew.

"Yes…." _Lie._

"Really… straight here?" He smiled at me, to let me know he knew where my first stop had really been. His eyes found mine, and they seemed to say _"It's okay, you can tell me the truth, I promise, I know, it's okay."_

"You know where I went, I had to, and you know…well…ummm, it had been too long and so…" I mumbled.

"It will be okay Bella, you're here now."

I needed to hear him say that to me, out loud. Just as I was about to open my mouth to ask about his therapy I heard the front door slam open.

We both looked at each other and said in unison, "Emmett".

He wheeled himself up the ramp and into his room. I followed closely as we made our way down the hallway and into the great room. And then it started…

I heard Emmett start to whistle. Rosalie and Alice laughing. Jackson clapping his hands rhythmically. And then Emmett saw me and started to sing. My song, he always sang to me when I needed to laugh. Emmett could always read a room, he knew we needed this.

_Is there nothing I can say  
Nothing I can do  
To change your mind  
I'm so in love with you  
You're too deep in  
You can't get out  
You're just a poor girl in a rich mans house  
Yeah, baby, I'm crying over you_

He even used his Micks falsetto, he really perfected this over the years.

_Don't you know promises were never made to keep?  
Just like the night, dissolve in sleep  
Ill be your savior, steadfast and true  
Ill come to your emotional rescue  
Ill come to your emotional rescue_

Yeah I was home.

I ran to Em and jumped in his arms. I think it may have surprised everyone but their arrival made us complete. Well not completely. But for the first time in a long time I felt the way I used to, the way I always felt when we were together.

"Baby girl it's alright, were here now" he whispered in my ear. I didn't realize I had started crying. I think it finally hit me, where I was, who I was here with, we were together again.

He let me go and looked down at me. His smile, his huge dimpled smile, his lit up face, always soothed me during times like now. Rosalie wrapped her arms around my waist and put her chin on my shoulder and the three of us just stood there for a moment. For the first time I didn't feel the need to say anything, I knew, they knew, it just didn't need to be said at that moment.

We let go of each other and Emmett made his way over to Edward. I didn't know when the last time they saw one another but I was guessing it had been awhile. Rosalie put her hand around my waist and we walked to stand next to Emmett. Jackson put his hand on Alice's shoulders and led her over as well.

"How you been man? No, no you don't need to get up for me."

Coming from anyone else but Emmett would have been insulting, but that was him and we loved him for it. He wrapped his enormous arms around Edward and they both laughed at each other.

"Hey I hate to break up the man love but Edward you we need to leave for your appointment." Alice broke away from Jackson and looked over at me. _"He wants you to go_…." she said silently.

I didn't know how I felt about that, was I ready. Yes I was. If we were ever going move forward I needed to take this step. I had to be the first to initiate.

As Emmett walked back to Rosalie I walked over to Edward to ask if I could join he and Alice. I didn't know if Jackson was going or not.

"Can I come with you guys?"

Edward looked at me shocked for a moment before he composed himself, he smiled, it was the first time I felt his smile reached his eyes.

"Ar…I mean, if you want to are you sure?" He stuttered for a moment, from shock or happiness I wasn't completely sure.

"Yes, of course." I had to be confident in my answer or at least sound as though I was.

"Thank you Bella, I'd like that." He grabbed my hand and I felt that spark, that shock, the something I always felt when he touched me that way.

Edward excused himself for a moment to change and get ready for his appointment. I was grateful, I needed a moment to ask Alice what I should be expecting at the appointment.

She must have had the same thing on her mind and made her way over to me. She grabbed my hands and I faced her.

"Thank you for that Bella. It's another PT session and to check the fitting for the last time. He needed to start the therapy again, he was using his chair too much and got a bit weak. A few adjustments needed to be made because of those changes. Nothing too major, but with his transtibial prosthetics, proper fitting is important." She said quickly to ensure she told me before he got back.

Emmett and Rosalie hugged me goodbye. They were going to hang out with Jackson, they already knew each other but wanted to catch up. Alice ran upstairs to grab her purse and I walked into the foyer to put on my jacket. My mind, my thoughts wandering again.

Accident. Wheelchair. Me. Us. Them. Edward. Accident. Forks. Home. Physical therapy. Prosthetics. Amputee. Double amputee. Transtibial prosthesis. Artificial limb.

Transtibial prosthesis: artificial limb that replaces a leg missing below the knee.

I had read all about it. I had seen it, been there. But had I ever dealt with it? No. I hadn't. Was I ready to now? Yes I was.

I was ready to deal with anything as long as I was with Edward.

"Bella…" Edwards voice.

"Yes"

"Looks like I lost you there for a minute."

"No, I'm here." I must have spaced out. I don't know how long he was there watching me.

"You're here"

I was. I was here. Home. With Edward.

"Ready to go Bella?" Was I ready? For what was ahead? It was going to be hard, maybe the hardest thing I would ever do. Running away was easy, peaceful, pretending. What lay ahead was going to be complicated. Maybe even excruciating at times. Was I ready?

"Yes, I'm ready." It was more than just a simple answer to his question.

And then I followed him**. **

**A/N: The song Emmett sings is Emotional Rescue By The Rolling Stones. My husband always sings it to me on a bad day to make me laugh. I could just see Emmett singing to Bella.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Wish I did, but I don't.**

_When you were here before,  
Couldn't look you in the eye  
You're just like an angel,  
Your skin makes me cry_

_You float like a feather  
In a beautiful world  
I wish I was special  
You're so fuckin' special_

_But I'm a creep,  
I'm a weirdo  
What the hell am I doin' here?  
I don't belong here_

_I don't care if it hurts,  
I wanna have control  
I want a perfect body  
I want a perfect soul  
_

_**Creep-Radiohead**_

I watched Edward push out of the chair, grab the handle and launch himself into in the passenger seat. I sat behind Alice and waited for Jackson to put the wheelchair in the trunk. It was silent as we drove through Forks on our way to the rehab center in Port Angeles. Alice had told me before I got into the car that Edward often mentally prepares himself before and after sessions. He rarely talks about his sessions and Alice usually just waits in the lobby unless the doctor wants to give her or Esme any special instructions. Unless he asked me to join him I would wait with Alice. He would need to initiate this time, I wasn't going to push too far today.

Edward started fumbling with his IPod, putting his headphones on and tuning us out. Alice glanced at me in the rear view mirror, letting me now it was starting. The wall. The wall he had built, continued to build, to shut everyone out. Gone was the Edward I briefly had just seen. That was a pretense, a show, to stop me from turning around and walking out the door. He showed me just enough to get me stay. _At least he didn't scream at me this time. Or ask me to leave._

Alice and I started to talk about what plans we had to make the next few weeks. We couldn't just be silent for his sake. She said the wedding was set for August 2nd, in her parents' backyard.

"Alice, my house has a backyard. The word backyard doesn't accurately describe that piece of land behind your house."

It really didn't. Not even close. They liked to use words like house and backyard but I always felt that was insulting the gorgeous estate. It really was breathtaking. The house was full of floor to ceiling windows that let you watch the rain hit the swaying trees on a windy day. They let the light shine in and illuminate the amazing antiques Carlisle and Esme had throughout the house. Their "backyard" went on forever, lush and green, and held my favorite place in the world.

The Meadow.

When we were eight and Esme finally let Edward and I explore on our own, he took me to the meadow. It was ours, countless hours of countless days we spent there, having our best conversations or sometimes feeling the need to say nothing at all. _I wonder if he ever goes there now? Probably not. _

Before I knew it we were pulling up to the center. Alice parked and we got out and pulled the chair out and wheeled it to his side. He opened the door and got into the chair easily, never making eye contact with either one of us. We walked behind and he entered through the sliding doors.

Alice checked him in and sat down beside me. And then we waited. I didn't know my place, if I was going to join him, should I ask? I could feel Alice getting restless.

"Edward, are they doing your fitting first?" she asked, tapping on his shoulder. He was still listening to his music. He pulled the buds out of his ears and wrapped them around his neck. And then all he did was nod. Not a single word since we left the house. He just stared blankly at the chairs.

"This is bullshit. I really thought this time was going to be different since he asked me if you were coming with us today" Alice whispered to me.

"It's okay. I know it's hard, I can't imagine his feelings would change too much, I just got here." I was trying to help the situation. She seemed to have a lot of expectations already.

"My point exactly, you just got here after a long drive. A few days driving. You could have gone to see your dad or been home taking a nap, visiting with Rose and Em. Instead your here dealing with this. I didn't want this to be how you spent your first day back home." She spoke louder this time, I think she wanted him to hear.

Before I could see if he had or not he was being called.

"Edward Cullen"

He proceeded towards the doors and Alice followed. I stayed where I was, he gave no indication for me to follow and I'm sure Alice didn't ask just in case he said no. He didn't even look at me. Before Alice walked through the doors she turned around and mouthed "Sorry". I just shrugged my shoulders, I understood but at the same time I didn't. I mean what was the point in asking me to come. Well her asked Alice sorda, I did kind of ask to join them today. But just to sit here, I would have brought a book, he could at least left me his IPod.

So I waited.

Not wanting to dwell I read a 2006 copy of National Geographic. I was staring at a picture of a gazelle about to be eaten by a lion when Alice walked back out. _Finally._

"He asked if you wanted to join him, stupid question huh? I mean I told him what the hell, you didn't come to hang out in the lobby. My brother can be such an idiot. Ugh!" She was clearly frustrated. I'm sure they had a conversation while in the office.

"Of course, where do I go?"

"Through the doors, the gym is the last one on the right." She pointed and sat back down grabbing the old magazine from my hands.

I walked down the hall and into the gym. It was warmer in here than it had been in the lobby so I shrugged out of my jacket and threw it over a chair against the wall. I looked around, the gym was empty. Was he not here yet? Before I could sit down he was behind me and not in his chair.

"Bella" he whispered in my ear. Then he laughed. _Mood swings much?_

"Jesus Edward you scared me" I said as I turned around to face him. I was really shocked, I forgot how tall he really was. I looked up and found myself lost for a moment in his eyes. I felt his gaze pierce me, I could feel it everywhere.

"Cold?" he asked. He must have taken my goose bumps as something other than his mere presence.

"Uhh, no I'm fine, thanks. Alice said you wanted me….. I mean you wanted me to come, ummm wanted me to see you." _Was I always this ridiculous?_

"Yeah my therapist usually just gives me my routine and lets me do it on my own, at least what I can do on my own, he usually joins me later."

Just then a man walked through the doors. I was snapped out of my Edward trance long enough to look at him and smile.

"Ahh yes, you must be Bella, I'm Marcus. I've heard all about you" he said giving me a little wink and nod.

"Oh well all good I hope." I honestly wasn't sure.

"Oh of course" he said staring over ay Edward.

I couldn't help but smile and blush. It made me feel better in that moment, yet a little bit uncomfortable. I wondered how much he actually knew, how much Edward had told him.

"Edward you know the warm up, I'll be back in twenty" he glanced at me and smiled before he left and then we were alone.

Edward started to walk away and head towards one of the machines. He was in basketball shorts that fell below his knees. With his back to me I took a quick look at his legs. I couldn't see where they attached but the metal rods were long and shiny. The last time I saw him he was always wearing pants. He pulled his hoody over his shoulders and pulled his knee up on the machine to fix the laces on his shoes. He got on the machine and secured a belt over his thighs. It was some kind of advanced sit down stationary bike, he began to push buttons until his legs began to move. He gripped the handles at his side and I couldn't help but notice how stronger his arms were since high school.

"See something you like Bella?" He chuckled at my blatant ogling.

"Whatever, you're just not as skinny I remembered, that's all." _Yeah that sounded like a reasonable answer._

I don't know what triggered it but then it seemed like we were on the downward spiral of the roller coaster again. His face turned serious and he was contemplating if he should say what he was thinking.

"Bella why are you here?"

_Straight to the point I see._

"Well Alice is getting married, I wanted to come home, my dad…. Lots of reasons." I was hoping that would hold him off. I didn't want to have this conversation now, not here.

"Anything else?" He could tell I was holding back.

"Yes. I came back for Newton, I realized after all these years what I was missing out on." I tried to lighten the mood that was taking over. I wanted to somehow suppress whatever he was getting at.

"Isabella I'm being serious."

_Uh-oh he was pulling out the full name._

"So am I." _C'mon Edward not now, not yet._

He looked away from me and closed his eyes. He pinched the bridge of his nose and started to take deep breaths. He really wanted this now. Well I guess we had to start somewhere.

"Edward there is a lot of reasons I came home. Why do you think I came home? I can't happen to feel this is a question you have the answer to." I didn't mean to sound defensive but it certainly came out that way. What was he expecting me to say? Wanting me to say?

"No I don't that's why I was asking. Bella I just hope Alice didn't rope you into coming home for any reason that included me. I don't need anyone's pity, especially yours." He was angry again. I think it was anger but maybe I was wrong. Sadness, regret, guilt, I wasn't sure. I couldn't figure him and his moods out anymore.

"Edward why in the hell would I pity you? I'm back because I want to be, I want to be here. I miss Charlie and Alice. I miss your parents, Em and Rose. I miss YOU. Hell I even miss making fun of Mike." I paused for a moment and took a step towards him. "And yes, I came back for certain reasons, I feel as though I need, we need some kind of resolution. I miss you. All of you. Maybe we can't go back to way we used to but I feel like everyone else is moving on, everyone except us." I whispered the last part. At this point I didn't know how he would take my words, he may interpret them the way he wanted to and with his mood I wasn't sure that was a good thing at all.

"Bella I wish you luck in whatever you're looking for but I don't need resolution. I'm just fine. I am moving on. I don't know what they told you, Alice tends to exaggerate. Yeah I have moments but really can you blame me, look at me. This is it for me, for us. This isn't what you want your life to be. I can't even really offer my friendship to you at this point." His words were so final. An absolute. Almost like a speech he had already planned. Where was this coming from?

"Where is this coming from? I don't get it?" I was seconds from losing it and reliving the reason I hadn't been back for so long.

"What is there to get? Please don't make me say it again." He wasn't even looking at me now, just staring at the control panel on the machine.

"Why did you ask me to come here with you today? Now I'm stuck here until you're done."I couldn't listen to this anymore. Why was he doing this to me?

"I didn't ask you, remember? Alice can bring you home now if you want. I still have time here, I'll just workout longer until she gets back."

That's all I needed to hear, I thought I was ready but I wasn't, not for this. I backed away and ran out the doors. I forgot my jacket but there was no way I was going to go back.

It was the last time all over again.

I passed Marcus in the hall. He looked at me confused. I'm sure I was a mess. I could feel the tears now. I ran to Alice.

"Please take me home, Edward said it was okay, he'll stay longer. Please just take me back to my car…" I was trying to hold it together.

"Bella, what the hell did he say to you!?" She took one look at me and was livid.

"I think we, no I know I made a mistake." She shoved her keys into my shaking hand. "Bella please wait for me in the car." She started walking towards the gym.

I shook my head.

"Bella, please listen to me. I have to have a word with my brother." She then turned and walked away.

_Yeah I was home. All the excitement I felt before was gone.  
_

**A/N: Chapter 5 will be EPOV. Chapter 6 will be back to BPOV. And then Chapter 7 will be the accident. Reviews will be appreciated, I just want to know that this isn't completely unfortunate. Thanks!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Wish I did, but I don't.**

_Such a lonely day  
And it's mine  
The most loneliest day in my life_

_Such a lonely day  
Should be banned  
It's a day that I can't stand_

_The most loneliest day of my life  
The most loneliest day of my life_

_Such a lonely day  
Shouldn't exist  
It's a day that I'll never miss_

_Such a lonely day  
And it's mine  
The most loneliest day of my life_

_**Lonely Day-System Of A Down**_

As I was getting into the car, I watched Alice quickly whisper something to Bella. I realized what a mistake it was allowing her to come. Alice began to drive and I blocked the glances at each other they didn't think I noticed. It didn't really matter anyways, I never spoke much on the way to therapy.

Earlier in the day, prior to her arrival, when I spoke to Alice, we briefly discussed Bella joining me at my appointment. I thought it would be an important step for us. In reality it was too soon, or maybe a complete waste. When she offered while I was still debating the thought to myself I was too shocked and surprised to think of my answer properly. I just said yes. It was selfish, I just wanted more time. Time of hers I didn't deserve.

Her arrival back to Forks had definitely consumed me the last several weeks. In all honesty I couldn't actually imagine that she wanted to return. I mean what did this ridiculous little town have to offer her? This wasn't her home anymore. Alice did say she was going to Seattle after the wedding, at the end of summer, to possibly teach. So I guess it was more of an extended visit.

So many thoughts of Bella passed through my mind these days I'm surprised I was able to function. I guess I really wasn't. Not if I was being honest with myself.

The hours, the days passed slowly yet here it was four years later. Four years and I had nothing to show for my life. I hadn't made a life for myself, not like everyone else.

What had I done, learned to walk again on a pair of titanium sticks. No job, no life, no school, no degree and definitely no Bella. It was meant to be. I didn't deserve her.

What could I do for her?

What could I offer?

Why would she want me?

I changed her life forever that night and this was the punishment I deserved. It was my constant reminder of what I had done to ruin every one of our lives. Hers and Jaspers especially.

When she arrived and walked into the house I could hear her angelic voice echo through the great room. Her laughter at whatever Jackson had said briefly made me jealous. I was reminded of our time in the meadow, our talk, the countless times she laughed because of me, with me. _I missed her._

_I missed her._

_I missed her everyday minute of everyday that she was gone._

_Would she come to see me or wait until I came to her?_

_What would she say to me?_

_What would I say to her?_

I knew I should first apologize, the way I treated her during her last visit was horrific, completely appalling, and completely necessary. At least I thought so at the time. I'm sure it was the reason she hadn't returned since, why she distanced herself from everyone. It was my entire fault again. I had overheard a conversation between Bella and Alice. Bella was contemplating coming home, I knew why, or at least part of the reason why. Me. I couldn't, I wouldn't allow that to happen.

I didn't need her forgiveness. She shouldn't even be talking to me. What I did to her, what I was doing to her… I can't even think about it. So I did what needed to be done. I pushed her away. She of course believed the harshness of my words. She thought so little of herself these days. Again something I caused. I'm sure of it. Alice didn't speak to me for weeks and the looks on my parents faces said enough even if it wasn't with words.

I was lost in my thoughts when I felt her approach. I waited. I waited to see what she going to say to me. But she said nothing. Did she have nothing to say to me?

Finally I turned around.

I was embarrassed, my prosthetics were at my doctors, and I needed new fittings. I was a man in a wheelchair with no legs. But I did turn around to face her. Ha, face her. I was kidding myself.

"Bella…" She really took my breath away even after all this time. I missed her, no there was more, I felt more.

"Edward…" My name coming her was so exhilarating I had to close my eyes, it was almost too much.

She was too much, so much more than me. She deserved the world, something I couldn't give her. I wasn't enough for her, I never would be.

I was pulled from my thoughts as I felt the car abruptly stop. I made my way inside and waited. I took brief glances at Bella, I couldn't help myself. She was more beautiful now than the last time I had seen her.

Alice asked me a question, I just nodded, I had nothing to say. The impact of her arrival was hitting me. Why had I agreed to this? I should have locked myself away from her, kept my distance. Do what I said I was going to do. But Bella's force was like a magnet and I was incapable of resisting.

Alice was whispering to Bella. I knew it was about me, I just wasn't willing to pay attention to whatever I was doing to bother Alice now. My behavior, although rude was necessary. Alice would eventually come to see that. Well maybe not, but I knew I was right.

I followed the nurse into the office when my name was called. Alice was close behind me. I knew Alice was going to rip into me once the nurse left us alone.

The door closed.

3, 2, 1…

"Edward, what the hell is wrong with you? If you were going to pull this moody bullshit today why did you allow Bella to come with us? This isn't how she should be spending her first day back!"

If she wasn't yelling at me her temper would almost make me laugh. She was fuckin' scary when she was pissed. But it was at me, rightfully so.

"Alice, exactly this isn't how she should be spending her first day or any day for that matter. I don't know what I was thinking when I said yes, I guess I wasn't."

"Oh Edward…" her face softened.

"Bella doesn't need to deal with this, with me. This is a waste of her time." I was. "I need to talk to her before my session."

"Edward dammit, I swear to god, you better not say anything to hurt her, we just got her back! She wants to be here, she misses us, and she misses you. Can't you see that? Why are you doing this again!?" The ferocity had returned. She was pointing her finger at me, her stare gave me the chills.

Before I could respond the doctor walked in with the nurse carrying my legs. Really….

I tuned the good doc out, it was always the same thing. Anything important I'm sure I would hear again from Alice or Esme. He fit me, and I walked around the small office. They felt good, as good as could be expected.

"Please ask Bella to join me, please Alice" I asked her before she left.

She nodded, saying already what needed to be said. Easier said then done. I was fighting it, fighting myself. Wanting to do both what was right and also wanting to keep Bella in my life, all to myself. Yes I could admit that was what I secretly wanted, I hadn't been able to do that before. It didn't make it any less wrong though.

I was in the small closet in the gym when I saw her come in. She didn't see me, I could tell she was scanning the room. She took her jacket and threw it on the chair, they always kept it a bit warmer in here. I could tell she was staring at my wheelchair against the wall. I'm sure she didn't know whether or not I would be wearing my prosthetics.

I walked up slowly behind her.

"Bella" I whispered in her ear. She jumped and I laughed at her response.

"Jesus Edward you scared me" She turned to face me. And for the first time she didn't have to look down at me. I felt comfortable for the first time.

She shivered.

"Cold?" I asked her.

"Uhh, no I'm fine, thanks. Alice said you wanted me….. I mean you wanted me to come, ummm wanted me to see you."

She stuttered and her words made me feel uncomfortable, not in a bad way. In a way I hadn't felt in a long time. Like a man.

Instead I was a twenty one year old virgin, double amputee with no future and a really horrible past. _Pathetic._

"Yeah my therapist usually just gives me my routine and lets me do it on my own, at least what I can do on my own, he usually joins me later." Marcus knew I liked my space. He was an excellent therapist.

Speak of the devil...

Marcus walked in and looked at me, shocked. He knew who she was, we talked about her on several occasions. I spoke with him occasionally about myself and Bella more than I did with my own family. He tried to assure me, tell me what I was feeling was normal yet convince me I was wrong. In the end it was pointless but I appreciated his advice, he was a good guy.

"Ahh yes, you must be Bella, I'm Marcus. I've heard all about you" he said giving me her little wink and nod.

"Oh well all good I hope."

Could she ever really think I would speak nothing but amazing things about her? Had she really thought that little of me?

"Oh of course" he said assuring her and staring over at me.

She smiled and crimson crept up her face. Ah her blushing, I missed that too. I guess she wasn't thinking so badly of me. I was just really that insecure. Self consious.

"Edward you know the warm up, I'll be back in twenty" Marcus left the room rather quickly obviously wanting to give us some privacy.

And then we were alone.

I made my way over to my first machine. I pulled my hoody off and adjusted my shoes. I could never tell if they were loose or not. I sat down, strapped myself in, adjusted the settings and began my warm-up.

It was then I noticed Bella staring at me intensely. I started to get hot, and I knew it wasn't from my training. No one ever looked at me the way Bella was right now. I forgot what the felt like. To have someone appreciate the way I looked. It felt nice. Really nice. Especially because it was Bella.

"See something you like Bella?" I couldn't help it. It took away from the tension, if only for a moment.

"Whatever, you're just not as skinny I remembered, that's all." She tried to hide her embarrassment. I guess I wasnt so lean anymore, I mean I still was but my life required alot more upper body strength at times.

But then it occurred maybe she wanted to remember the way I was before. What I was then. A complete man. I knew I wasn't what I was then. For a second I almost felt "normal", but I wasn't.

Not anymore.

Here I go, I was going to hurt again. It was like I couldn't help it.

"Bella why are you here?" Straight to the point

"Well Alice is getting married, I wanted to come home, my dad…. Lots of reasons." She was avoiding, like she knew what was coming.

"Anything else?"

"Yes. I came back for Newton, I realized after all these years what I was missing out on." She was trying to lighten the mood, deflect. Take us away from here, from this.

"Isabella I'm being serious."

I pulled out her full name. She needed to know I was being serious. I needed to hear her say it, out loud.

"So am I."

I looked away from her and closed my eyes. I couldn't stand to see the pleading in her eyes. I pinched the bridge of my nose and started to take deep breaths.

"Edward there is a lot of reasons I came home. Why do you think I came home? I can't happen to feel this is a question you have the answer to." She said defensively.

_Yes I have the answer, yes I know what I want you to say. Please just_ _leave me. I don't deserve you. Your trust. Your forgiveness. Your love._

"No I don't that's why I was asking. Bella I just hope Alice didn't rope you into coming home for any reason that included me. I don't need anyone's pity, especially yours." The anger was taking over.

"Edward why in the hell would I pity you? I'm back because I want to be, I want to be here. I miss Charlie and Alice. I miss your parents, Em and Rose. I miss YOU. Hell I even miss making fun of Mike." I paused for a moment and took a step towards him. "And yes, I came back for certain reasons, I feel as though I need, we need some kind of resolution. I miss you. All of you. Maybe we can't go back to way we used to but I feel like everyone else is moving on, everyone except us." She whispered the last part.

Here, this is where I hurt her, ruin her again. It really was for the best. She would see that eventually. She would move on. Is that what I really wanted her to do? _No._

"Bella I wish you luck in whatever you're looking for but I don't need resolution. I'm just fine. I am moving on. I don't know what they told you, Alice tends to exaggerate. Yeah I have moments but really can you blame me, look at me. This is it for me, for us. This isn't what you want your life to be. I can't even really offer my friendship to you at this point." I sounded like I was reciting a speech. I guess I was really, I had to or I never would have been able to get through.

I couldn't even look her in the eye.

"Where is this coming from? I don't get it?" She was holding back the tears, I could sense it. I was too.

_I'm disgusting. _

"What is there to get? Please don't make me say it again."

_Please don't._

"Why did you ask me to come here with you today? Now I'm stuck here until you're done."

_Why was I doing this to her?_

"I didn't ask you, remember? Alice can bring you home now if you want. I still have time here, I'll just workout longer until she gets back."

She backed away and then ran out through the doors. I would never in all my life forget the look on her face before she turned around.

That was it, that was the absolute for her. I did it and I could never go back. I was lucky for her forgiveness the last time. It would be impossible again. What had I done?

I think I was about to be sick.

Marcus walked in a few second later. The look on his face said it all.

"Edward, what just happened?"

_I really don't know_.

_Yes I did._

_Why?_

Before I could even start to comprehend my actions the door flew open.

Alice.

"Edward, what the fuck did you say to Bella!?"

_What had I just done to my Bella?_


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. Wouldn't it be fabulous though?**

**Stephanie, what a brilliant little dreamer.**

**A/N: Please R/R and oh, I have to thank hippiehappy, your reviews are really wonderful, thank you!**

_  
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you  
I'll tell you that  
But if I didn't say it  
Well, I'd still have felt it  
Where's the sense in that?_

_I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder  
Or return to where we were_

_Well I will go down with this ship  
And I won't put my hands up and surrender  
There will be no white flag above my door  
I'm in love and always will be_

_I know I left too much mess  
And destruction to come back again  
And I caused nothing but trouble  
I understand if you can't talk to me again  
And if you live by the rules of "It's over"  
Then I'm sure that that makes sense_

**_White Flag-Dido_**

I looked at the keys in my hand. I was too shocked, too hurt to walk outside. I was frozen. His words hurt more this time then they did the last. _Why? _I really didn't understand. They just did. I was in a different place now than I had been before. I guess maybe that's why it hurt more.

He had been in somewhat of a good mood literally moments prior to his outburst. But I can see looking back at the past few hours since I arrived back his mood could not be predicted. He seemed somewhat okay, maybe even happy, that I was going to join him at the center. But then he didn't talk the entire drive or even when we arrived. He did ask me to join him after his first appointment and he introduced me to Marcus. We laughed, joked a little. And then… I don't even have the words to describe what Edward just did to me. The way he spoke to me. The choice he decided to make for me. Wait let me think… I do have a word, a few words, to describe what just happened.

Bullshit!

Screw that!

Fuck him! _Well I'd have to come back to that later. We had to get passed this first._

Yeah that was a great way to just describe what occurred. Who the hell did he think he was? I'm your friend, I am not your friend, you shouldn't be mine, and I won't be yours. I had known Edward my whole life and you're supposed to be there for your friends, in good times and bad. Maybe he had "moved on" or whatever he had convinced himself of thinking he was currently doing in his life. _Delusional. _Maybe he had convinced himself but I knew better. Even if I wasn't going to speak for him, I had confessed that I needed help, I needed a friend, specifically who I needed. Him. I needed him. I needed Edward. And he should be there for me because that's what friends do for each other.

I was pissed. I was squeezing the keys so tight I could feel them cutting into my palm. I shoved them in my pocket and tried to decide what to do next. Should I go wait in car, let Alice take me home, cry myself to sleep, wait for him to apologize all while having to watch everyone tip toe around Edward and our "situation". _Not going to happen. _If we were going to at least attempt to move forward I needed to take more control. I came home for a reason, I couldn't pretend anymore. If we couldn't move forward it would hurt, more that I even want to fathom, but I want to at least say I tried, that I gave it my all.

Marcus came out of the double doors and leaned on the desk to look over some files. I know that confronting Edward here was probably inappropriate but I knew this couldn't wait until we got home.

I walked up to Marcus, "Do you mind if I rejoin Alice and Edward?" I gave him a nice smile to let him know I calmed down a bit since our hallway run in.

"Hey Bella, you okay?" He tilted his head at me and frowned.

"Yes, Edward was having a moment and I need to straighten him out."

"Well then by all means, there aren't any more appointments, so take care of that situation." He gestured toward the doors and laughed.

"Thanks Marcus" I turned to make my way back to the gym.

"Oh and Bella…."

"Yes?"

"He's just scared, he thinks he doesn't deserve you? I'm not sure what he said to you, but I know it's not how he truly feels."

I smiled, I wonder what Edward and Marcus discussed, and it seemed he allowed Marcus in more than anyone of us.

I could hear Alice from the hallway. I made my way to the gym door. I almost felt sorry for him. _Almost._

I pushed the door open and walked towards Alice and Edward. I think they were both surprised to me again. Especially with the look on my face.

"Bella…." They both said simultaneously.

I held my finger up, pulled the keys from my pocket and threw them to Alice.

"Alice can you wait in the car for us, we'll only be a few, Edwards appointment is over."

"Bella you can't…"

"Edward shut up, just shut up! Don't tell me what I can and can't do!"

Alice smiled at me and without another word walked out into the hallway.

I looked back to Edward, I think he was actually thinking about opening his mouth again. _What the fuck, when will he learn?_

"Edward don't you dare. Don't you even think about uttering another word until I'm finished. Do you understand?"

He just nodded. _Finally._

I looked at him, I stood there and looked him straight in his eyes. I needed him to know how I felt, that I was serious. I needed to show him everything, show him my soul. Let him know I wanted to move forward and I wanted to do this with him by my side.

"Don't tell me you're sorry for what happened in this room ten minutes ago. Sorry means that won't happen again and I'm not sure the words you spoke to me won't be said again. I know you didn't mean them and it's not how you really feel about me and my return. Maybe I don't know what you need, but I want to know, I want you to tell me. Let me in. Please. It won't be easy, it will be harder than you and I can even imagine. Maybe not the hardest,but if we can make it through, well I can't even imagine how wonderful it might truly be. We deserve this. Edward, WE deserve this. We can't punish ourselves forever."

I paused. It must have been for too long.

"Bella, you can't pun-…"

"Edward, I'm not finished."

"Now I want to think we can get through this together but maybe we won't. But don't you want to try? With me? For me? I don't pity you, I never have. Edward I want you in my life again, I need you in my life again. The last four year have been…. There really are no words. That is my fault not yours. I chose to be where I was. And you chose too. Look where it got us, look where we are in our lives."

I paused again but this time he waited silently.

"I'm not going to tell you how you're feeling, I think I might have an idea, but I need you to tell me. Now if you can't do this, for me and for you, tell me now. I won't understand but I will have to accept your decision. I had to put myself out there, all of me, so you could make your choice based on my **actual** feelings. So now you know…."

"I'm finished."

I looked at him. I had no idea what he was going to say. He was about to open his mouth.

"Wait! I'm not finished. If you can't do this with me, be nice. I can't handle bitter words. I know I said you might use them again but I'm not ready for that now, it's too soon."

"Okay, now I'm really finished."

He didn't say anything and it scared me. A lot. Instead what he did, well it was shocking, I didn't see it coming.

He stood up and walked over to me.

He stood before me, his look intense. I could feel his breath on my face. I could hear his breath he was so close. He took the final small step towards me and wrapped his arms around my shoulder, his hands on my back. He was hugging me….tightly. This was more affection he had showed me in years and it felt amazing. He rested his chin on my head. I wasn't going to let him go. Not ever.

"Bella, I have to say sorry. I know you said not to but I promise you I will never say those words again. I need to say it again so you will understand. I promise I will never say those words to you again. I can't promise I know what to do, that I won't disappoint you. Again. But it won't be because I'm not going to try…. I will try for you, for me, for us. I promise."

I looked up at him, I needed to see his face. He smiled at me and I knew he meant everything he just told me. He promised to try. That was all I could ask for, that was all he could offer. It was all I needed.

"So where do we start?"

Where DO we start?

I knew where and I knew it needed to be said. I just didn't know if we were ready.

Were we?

Maybe, maybe not but we couldn't avoid it any longer. We needed to make this first step. It was what all our decisions had been based on the last four years.

Now the problem was I didn't know if my answer was going to move us forward or stop us before we even started.

I looked at Edward.

I pulled him closer.

"Edward, we have to talk about that night."


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight**

_And all the roads we have to walk along are winding  
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding  
There are many things that I would  
Like to say to you  
I don't know how_

_Because maybe  
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?_

_**Wonderwall-Oasis**_

"Edward, we have to talk about that night."

I'm an idiot. As soon as the words leave my mouth I realize I've made a mistake. Already. I wouldn't blame him this time if he took everything back.

Before I can even make my attempt to take what I said back, Edward does it for me.

"Bella I know we agreed to more forward, however I feel that today we've done enough. This is your first day back. We need to get home so you can see Emmett and Rose, my parents. You haven't really spent any time with Alice and Jackson. I'm sure Charlie is wondering when you're going to get to the house." He let go of me, stepped back and smiled.

He was right.

"Your right, we need to get Alice, I'm sure she's wondering what's going on…..actually on second thought I'm sure her ear is to the door. There is no way she was going to miss my showdown."

Before we can catch her in the act she strolls in nonchalantly. As if her eavesdropping is perfectly acceptable.

"Edward you're so lucky."

"I know Alice, I know."

Alice hops into Edwards chair and wheels herself over to me.

"Bella, push me, it's been a long day"

It really has, I know we've made progress but in reality we haven't even really begun. We saved today and in the end that's all that matters.

One day at a time. That's all I could ask for at this point.

I push her out and Edward follows. The drive home is quiet, we really are very tired. As we pull to the house I realize Carlisle and Esme are home. I felt bad about putting Charlie off for a bit longer but I couldn't just get in my car and head home. Before we can even make it to the door Esme walks out to greet us.

I have missed her. Her smell, her warmth. She's always been there when I needed anything, treating me as one of her own, part of the family. She is everything my mother isn't, everything I wanted my mother to be.

"Bella, I'm so glad your home." She pulls me into a tight hug and kisses my cheek. "I've missed you, we've all really missed you" she whispers in my ear.

I get a nice hug from Carlisle as well, I noticed he looks tired. We chat for a moment before he excuses himself, he had just gotten home from a long shift, and Esme followed. I'm sure they didn't want to overwhelm me on my first day back home. They were just like that. Wonderful.

We throw ourselves on the couch and realize Alice and I are alone.

"Hey Al, where did everyone go?"

"Em and Rose had plans tonight, dinner with her rents, Edward is in the shower and my man, hell I don't know where he wandered off to, he's been exploring." Her eyes are closed and she looks comfy snuggled into the pillows.

"Alice I can't actually believe you're getting married. Does it feel weird to say that you're going to a wife, some ones wife Alice Monroe? By the way, that's a totally hot name."

She shoots straight up and all her excitement is back. She fluffs her and her eyes twinkle.

"Totally hot!" She laughs and then shes serious again. "Bella, that's how I knew it was going to be wonderful, he's amazing and nothing freaked me out about becoming his wife. It's fast but what the point of waiting? I know how I feel, how he feels, I'm so sure of us. That actually scares me more, that I'm so positively sure about us. But I can't live my life waiting for something bad to happen, something to go wrong, it's not a way to live"

Alice has always been sure of life. It didn't matter if we teased her or got annoyed, once she made a decision there was no point in trying to alter her path. Alice is always right, none of us would bet against that girl.

I lay back and close my eyes, thinking of the events if the day. I must have dozed off for a moment because it was all of a sudden starting to get dark outside and I need to see my father. I haven't seen Edward since he excused himself to take a shower. Alice and Jasper are missing too and I want to say goodbye.

I wander down the hall and hear Edward playing his guitar and I'm guessing Jackson playing the harmonica. I lean against the doorframe and listen. I know this song and it makes me sad. I watch them and sneak glances around the room. It still looks like more of a guestroom and doesn't really hold any of Edwards personality. I'm sure most of his books are upstairs and I don't see his keyboard. I do notice a picture of us. It's in a frame next to his bed. We were sitting on the beach, my head is peeking over his shoulder, my arms around his waist he turned the camera on us and shot a self portrait. The memory makes me smile, it had been a magnificent day.

Alice joins me, wrapping her arms around my waist and leans her head on my shoulder.

"Are you leaving?"

"Yes, I don't want Charlie to worry. I'm sure he knows I'm here but I don't to keep him waiting much longer. I'll be back tomorrow."

Edward and Jasper notice were watching them and stop playing. They both get up and we all walk out. Esme and Carlisle hug and kiss me goodbye in the foyer. Esme lets me know we have a lot of catching up to do and a wedding to plan. And a birthday, and I almost forgot, Edwards birthday. I'm excited for what lies ahead, I haven't been preoccupied with anything but school for so long. Alice and Jackson say goodbye at the door. She makes me promise to call me when I wake up.

"Bella, first thing, as in a soon as you open your eyes. Nevermind, I'll call you, I know you're not Little Miss Sunshine. Scratch that, I'll just come by and bring breakfast with lots of coffee. Although at least I don't need to bring you an outfit, I see all those years have paid off."

"Thanks a lot Alice!" She knows I'm just joking. I know Alice.

"Alice give her a break before she changes her mind."

"J, Bella knows me, I'm not worried."

"Bye you two." I like Jackson, he's calm and I feel comfortable around him. I think he feels the same. I watched him today and never saw him as an outsider.

Edward is waiting for me at the car. He walks over and holds open my door. We stare at each other and even though I'll see him at some point tomorrow but I don't want to leave. Not yet. I know I have to, but it doesn't make it any easier.

I can tell by the way he's looking at me he is feeling the same way too. I can see the sadness again.

I lean in for a hug, I wasn't sure if he would again.

"I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I don't think Alice will overwhelm me our first day of planning. Rosalie will be there to help me control her, as much as can be expected."

I get in and shut the door. He makes a motion for me to roll down the window. He bends down and almost puts his head in the car.

"I am sorry about today, I never want to hurt you yet I always do." I shake my head at him and we leave it for now.

We stand for a minute quietly.

"Hey, what are you thinking about?"

"Just thinking….I really wish I could climb into your window tonight."

He kisses my forehead. It's a start. And then he walks away. I watch him until he walks in the door, never turning around. I realize why he was sad again. A memory of our past, climbing into my bedroom window. He did it all the time for many reasons, all innocent of course. He did it when I had a bad day, if he had a bad day or even a good one, more often it was just to continue our talks after our parents made us get off the phone on a school night. Climbing in my window, something he would never do again.

Before I knew it I was parking in front of my house. My brain was on cruise control and I hope I didn't run any red lights. I grab my bag and leave the rest, I'm dead on my feet. I just want to get to bed, I know Charlie won't mind. I walk in and throw my bag down at the foot of the stairs.

"Isabella?"

"Yeah dad, who else would walk right into the chiefs house?'

He gives me a quick hug, we sit down and he shuts the game off.

"At the Cullens?" He knows the answer.

"Everyone was at the house and I mean everyone, it was nice."

"I saw Edward in Port Angeles last week and Alice brought her fiancé by last week, he seems like a good guy." Alice loves my dad and she has a very special place in his heart.

"He loves her, he soothes her, and they seem perfect. Edward told me you were with Mike, are you his chauffer now?"

"Don't get me started on Newton." He says annoyed.

We talk about my drive and the rest of the day. I edit of course.

"How is your mom doing?" He always asks. I can't blame him, he still misses her even after all these years. I don't understand why but I've come to accept it.

"I haven't talked to her in awhile, she's busy traveling and all." I leave out the "with Phil" part.

"Bells you look tired." Anyone else I'd be offended, that's a nice way of saying you look like shit. But I know my dad is just worried about me.

"I am dad, long day. I'm gonna head to bed, night."

"Goodnight and Bells, it's nice to have you back."

"I'm happy to be home dad." This makes him smile at me and that feels nice.

I walk in my room, pull my pants off and fall into bed too tired to do anything else. I can't even think anymore, I hear the game come on again and my lids are heavy.

"_OH MY GOD JASPER! I can't believe your dad got you this car for graduation!"_

"_I know, its sweeeeet."_

"_You get a fully restored '65 Mustang and I get every soccer moms dream, a Volvo."_

"_Hey I like it you spoiled brat!"_

"_Has Alice seen it?"_

"_No, I'm gonna surprise her with it at the party."_

"_Shotgun!"_

"_Okay but then I get to drive it, once Alice gets to it I may never have the chance."_

"_Hey your sis is my girl man, I can't say no to her."_

"_Don't remind me."_

"_Whoa wait a minute, where are the seatbelts, I can't ride in this."_

"_Why?"_

"_Uh dads a police man, the chief, duh, I don't break laws like no seat belt wearin'."_

"_Like you break any laws."_

"_Whatever, lets just take the Volvo."_

"_No way I want to drive his new car, Rosalies is less than two miles away. Hop in back please Bella? Please...."_

_"Don't worry Bella, my dad is gonna have them installed, the parts didnt come in yet. I will have them in by next week I promise."_

"_Ugh fine but Edward drive slow, you know I can't stand your puppy dog face. You're so spoiled."_

"_Why do you think I can never say no to Alice? She has the look down perfect."_

"_C'mon lets go!"_

_Laughing._

_Lights._

_Tires screeching._

_Crushing._

_Breaking glass._

_Indescribable sounds._

_Cold pavement._

_Horrible taste._

_Pain_

_Pain._

_Pain._

_Blackness._

_Darkness._

_Bright lights._

_Screaming._

_Shouting._

_Beeping._

_Pain._

_Nothing._

I wake up, my blankets choking me, I'm sweating. I haven't had that dream in months. The same nightmare. Except it's no nightmare. I wish it was but it isn't. I push my covers on my floor and take a several deep breaths. I lay there tired enough to fall back asleep but too frightened. The tree is brushing against my window. This would be a time I would need Edward to climb through my window.

**A/N: Please leave me a review, good or bad, Im beginning to think Im going no where with this fic. The song Edward and Jackson were playing is I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab For Cutie. Seatbelts were optional in the 1965 Mustang. The complete accident In EPOV will be the next chapter.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Don't own it**

_If I had no more time  
No more time left to be here  
Would you cherish what we had?  
Was it everything that you were looking for?  
If I couldn't feel your touch  
And no longer were you with me  
I'd be wishing you were here  
To be everything that I'd be looking for  
I don't wanna forget the present is a gift  
And I don't wanna take for granted the time you may have here with me  
'Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed_

_**Like You'll Never See Me Again-Alicia Keys**_

I fell on my bed and closed my eyes. I couldn't deal with today anymore than I had already. Alice knew I needed time and wasn't going to pry, at least not tonight. Bellas return brought on more than I was prepared to even begin to comprehend. I couldn't watch her leave even though I knew she wasn't gone for good. I ached. I was so used to not letting myself feel. I had become a shell of my former self. A soulless shell. Because once I began to face life again I don't think I could face anyone. How could they even stand to be around me? Especially Bella and Alice. Part of me understood Alices loyalty, I was her brother. But Bella… all I can think of is why?

Why?

She was too good. Too good for me.

But she asked for something and I couldn't let her down. Not again. Not this time. She was determined when she walked back into the gym. I was kind of proud of her in that way. I wasn't used to her determination. Because of that I knew I had to put all my feelings and apprehension aside, for now, for Bella. I knew it was next to impossible but she never asked anyone for anything and she was expecting me to try. Only try. It almost sounded easy but I knew it was going to be next to impossible. The thought of it made me exhausted. This day was exhausting, emotionally and physically, I was drained. As tired as I was I almost didn't want to fall asleep. I knew what the night had planned for me. It wouldn't matter what pills I took, I couldn't hide from the truth in my mind at night.

"_Alice is gonna be pissed if we're not there soon, she's already annoyed we weren't there to help her and Rose decorate."_

"_It's okay Bella, Jasper said it was important and he wanted us to wait until he got here."_

"_It better be, you know how Alice can be."_

"_Well I'm sure she'll be fine. Hey by the way, I thought your speech kicked ass."_

"_Ugh I was waiting for you to bring it up, I went with version two at the last minute, but thanks even if you're full of it."_

"_I'm being serious. I mean I dozed off for a bit but I did manage to catch the end, the applause woke me."_

"_Thanks a lot Edward!"_

"_Hey, ouch, I was just kidding!"_

"_I know, I know. We should go wait out front, I want to leave as soon as Jasper gets here."_

"_We will, I just want to hang here for a sec, it our place you know and…."_

"_And?"_

"_Well I have a present for you, and you're my best friend and this is our spot… so yeah… here."_

"_Edward…"_

"_If you don't like it…."_

"_No, I love it…."_

"_You do?"_

"_I do, of course I do. This bracelet is gorgeous. Can you help me put it on?"_

"_I do really mean it, the inscription, its how I really feel."_

"_I know, I feel it too, I just don't want to mess us up. I mean I know we won't, but it will change us, and I think…. I think slowly is better. Besides it's not like school is separating us, were not running out of time."_

"_I know your right, but it took us forever to see how blind we were this whole time, to see what everyone else has seen all these years. It makes me think we have wasted enough time."_

"_I know, were such idiots for being so damn smart. Edward?_

"_Yeah Bella?"_

"_Come here and kiss me."_

"_You don't need to tell me twice!"_

"_Edward? Bella? You out here?"_

"_Ugh, perfect timing! Yeah were coming!"_

"_There you guys are, I've been looking everywhere for you two."_

"_Well you found us lets go before my sis sends out a search party."_

"_She's cool I called her and told her we'll be there in a few."_

"_So what were we waiting here so long to see?"_

"_C'mon I'll show you little birdies!"_

"_OH MY GOD JASPER! I can't believe your dad got you this car for graduation!"_

"_I know, its sweeeeet."_

"_You get a fully restored '65 Mustang and I get every soccer moms dream, a Volvo."_

"_Hey I like it you spoiled brat!"_

"_Has Alice seen it?"_

"_No, I'm gonna surprise her with it at the party."_

"_Shotgun!"_

"_Okay but then I get to drive it, once Alice gets to it I may never have the chance."_

"_Hey your sis is my girl man, I can't say no to her."_

"_Don't remind me."_

"_Whoa wait a minute, where are the seatbelts, I can't ride in this."_

"_Why?"_

"_Uh dads a police man, the chief, duh, I don't break laws like no seat belt wearin'."_

"_Like you break any laws."_

"_Whatever, lets just take the Volvo."_

"_No way I want to drive his new car, Rosalie is less than two miles away. Hop in back please Bella? Please...."_

_"Don't worry Bella, my dad is gonna have them installed, the parts didn't come in yet. I will have them in by next week I promise."_

"_Ugh fine but Edward drive slow, you know I can't stand your puppy dog face. You're so spoiled."_

"_Why do you think I can never say no to Alice? She has the look down perfect."_

"_C'mon let's go!"_

"_Wait a minute I called shotgun!"_

"_Bella I can't show up to the party in my new car riding in the back. It's bad enough that I won't be driving. Just get in behind Edward."_

"_Fine, fine."_

"_Cullen, you better take it easy, this is my baby."_

"_I thought Alice was your baby, ohhh I'm so gonna tell her she's been replaced."_

"_Ha ha Bella and I'll tell her you and Eddie boy have been smoochin' for weeks now and you've been holdin' out on giving her the details. Now who do you think will be busted?"_

"_You suck!"_

"_You know I'm only kidding, your secrets safe with me, but you guys should tell her soon, and she'll be hurt if you wait too long."_

"_Yeah we know, we will, it's just….."_

"_EDWARD!!!!!!!"_

"_Multiple trauma…."_

"_MVA, all kids…"_

"_18 year old male, driver in high velocity MVA, ejected 20 feet from vehicle…_

"_Lets go, let's go, on my count, 1, 2, 3…"_

"_Get those clothes off…"_

"_Anything?"_

"_Fourteen gauge needle, beta dine…"_

"_Resume compressions…"_

"_Were losing a lot of blood…1000 cc out the chest tube"_

"_Compress…"_

"_Run in 2 units of O neg and set me up on the left…"_

"_Pulse ox is down to…"_

"_This isn't working….were gonna lose him"_

"_Let me take over, they need you in room two, they have a 18 year old female, rear seat passenger, ejected, multiple facial abrasions…"_

"_Thank god you're here…"_

"_We called TOD on the male passenger…."_

"_Edward, can you hear me? Edward, its Alice, mom and dad are here too. Edward?"_

"_Edward, were here and we love you."_

"_Where am I, where is Bella?"_

Same nightmare. Always the same. The only change being when I wake up. Sometimes I wake up after they tell me I lost one of my legs and I was about to lose my other. Sometimes the torture lasts as I hear Jasper is dead and Bella is in a coma. Sometimes I hear the voices the shouting all around me, sometimes its silent. Sometimes I can hear Bella screaming, I can hear, no I can feel her pain. I never hear jasper. Never.

They said the accident wasn't my fault. _Yeah right_. The driver of the car that hit us, a kid from PA, ran through a red light speeding. It didn't matter that I wasn't, none of us were wearing seatbelts. If only I had listened to Bella. "…_lets just take the Volvo."_

They never tell me what Bella truly went through, told me it wasn't necessary for me to completely hear the details. I asked for a long time, but I never got more than a few injuries. I knew it was bad, she was in a medically induced coma. She eventually awoke but didn't talk, or rather couldn't talk, her jaw was wired shut. We both would miss Jaspers funeral.

When she finally was wheeled into my room I couldn't hide the shock of what I had done to my Bella. The cuts, the bruises, her cast, her jaw. Her eyes. Her sad eyes.

"Bella I'm so sorry…" I sobbed.

She just shook her head and tried to hold my hand in hers. She never said a word, I really couldn't blame her. Jasper was gone. Bella would spend her summer recovering. Alice had told me everyone was encouraging her to still leave for school. I of course didn't have the choice to join her in California. I was heading to a rehabilitation center in Seattle.

When she could finally talk she told me to stop apologizing and to get better so I could eventually join her.

"Please Edward, I'll stay here if you're not going to promise me."

"Bella please go, I can't make any promises not now at least. Please you can't stay, not for me, I have ruined your life enough."

"Edward you did not ruin my life. Our lives have changed, they're not ruined. None of this is your fault, it's that driver, that idiot who hit us that night. Please, I can't do this without you."

"Bella look at me… I mean look at me!"

"Edward I am. I see you. Please I need you, you're my best friend."

"I leave for Seattle tomorrow and next week you'll leave for California."

"And you'll get better and join me, not right away but soon, next year. I'll be home for the holidays and this summer. I'll only make it if I have something to look forward too. If I don't have that to look forward to…"

"Bella, I can't, how can I move on, not after what I have done to you and to…Jasper. Look what I have done to everyone! How can you stand to even look at me?! I will leave for Seattle and then I will come home. You will go to school in California. That is all I can promise!"

"Edward…"

I looked away, I stared out of the window at nothing. She left the room sobbing. I left the next day without saying goodbye and Alice told me her dad took her to school early. She tried to write and call but I knew I needed to let her move on without me as an obligation. I answered a few here and there but it just hurt too much. I wanted her to live a happy life that didn't include me.

Truthfully I do realize I treated her horribly. I treated her worse when she returned a few years later. It was for her own good. At least I thought it was. No matter what I did, how guilty I felt, a day didn't pass that I didn't miss her. All my thoughts surrounded her and all the what ifs?

What if we weren't in the accident?

What if I hadn't lost my legs?

What if I had joined her at school?

What if…?

What would have become Bella and I?

But it didn't matter. We WERE in the accident. Jasper WAS dead. I HAD lost my legs. I HURT Bella.

I had tried to speak to a therapist once. But he was trying to tell me what everyone else had been saying for years. There was no point in continuing that nonsense.

I may never forgive myself for what I had done but Bella was here and she had asked me for something. I was sick of thinking of all the what ifs? I would attempt this for Bella. And part of this was for Jasper too. I knew he would be disgusted with me right now, what I had allowed my life to become. Bella was giving me a second chance and I realized if I let her walk out of that gym today I might never see her again. I didn't want to push her away anymore. I was going to give her everything I could, and help her in every way possible. I didn't know if her life would continue with me, I just wanted to make her happy again. To see her eyes shine again.

She needed me. I needed her. We needed each other.

If I could do anything right now it would be to climb in her window. Like before. I really wish I could do that for her again. For me again.

There was a tap on the balcony doors. Maybe it was the wind.

Then I heard a knock.

What the hell?

I walked over and opened the door.

"Bella, what are you doing here?"

**A/N: I had planned to complete this chapter ASAP but my husband surprised the kids and I with a vacation on Monday, as in were leaving Tuesday. I was shocked but I loved it! He is my Edward, except his name is actually Jake. Review if you please.  
**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: Twilight, don't own it, it's not mine.**

_Hey  
If we can't find a way out of these problems  
Then maybe we don't need this  
Standing face to face  
Enemies at war we build defenses  
And secret hiding places_

_I might need you to hold me tonight  
I might need you to say it's alright  
I might need you to make the first stand_

_**Hold Me-**_

"Bella, what are you doing here?"

"Well hello to you..." Maybe this wasn't such a great idea. I had been lying in bed trying to fall asleep again thinking over what Edward said about climbing through my window. I realized that he wouldn't be able to anymore and I had never done it for him. I was never going to fall asleep, at least not anytime soon, and I missed him.

"That's not what I meant, you know."

He was leaning his arm above him on the door frame. I could see his messy hair, shining in the moonlight like a brand new penny. He looked tired. He looked nervous. He looked gorgeous. I dove under his arm and into his room.

"Thanks for inviting me in…"

"Bella, I'm sorry, I am a little shocked. It is the middle of the night."

"Were you sleeping?" I knew he wasn't but I had to ask.

"Umm, no…"

"Yeah, me either. I had a bad dream…" _Please don't ask me what about._

"You too?" He seemed a bit surprised. And then I realized that meant he had a nightmare as well. I'm sure similar as my own.

"I had a bad dream, and I couldn't sleep and I was thinking about what you said to me earlier. I realized that all the times you climbed the tree and came into my room I never did the same for you."

"I was on the third floor." He said as if I didn't already know that already.

"Yes but you aren't anymore."

"I'm not, but that doesn't completely explain why you're here right now."

"Oh well do you want me to leave?" _Please say no._

"No! I mean no, I don't want you to leave."

"Okay then, I'll stay."

I realized we were still awkwardly by the door. Edward and I never used to be awkward. We had been best friends with the potential of so much more. Now I didn't know what we were, we were so different. We had changed so much. I knew if we were ever going to get past this and become something again I had to put all my pretenses aside. I knew he was never going to lead, he would only follow. He had lost all confidence and faith in himself. Although I wasn't much better I had to be the stronger one if we were ever going to move forward.

"Okay."

"As I was saying… I had a bad dream and couldn't sleep. It would be a time I needed you in my room, to comfort me and tell me everything was alright. But then I realized you might need comfort too and I'm here…"

He didn't say anything. It didn't make me feel bad. I knew Edward didn't like asking for help, it always made him feel sad and ashamed. He turned his back to me and looked outside, not really at anything. I walked behind him and wrapped my arms around his waist tightly. I rested my face on his back. It felt so good. I needed him to know I was really here and I wanted to be. I was scared at what his reaction might be but I couldn't let that stop me.

"Bella I don't deserve you, why are you so good to me?"

"Please not this again. It's not about deserving each other. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to, I feel it's where I belong. It has nothing to do with me being too good. Don't you miss it? Us and our friendship? I do."

He took a deep breath. He pulled my hands up higher onto his chest. My elbows at his waist, my palms rested over his heart. I could feel it, beating faster. _Was he nervous? _He slowly touched my hand and then my bracelet.

"You still wear it?"

"Every day."

"The best thing about me is you…" He spoke almost too quiet for me to hear his words. _His inscription._

"Edward, please look at me." I let him go.

He turned around and faced me.

"Bella…" He whispered. He grabbed my face and I looked up at him. His thumbs brushed against the corners of my mouth. I could feel the warmth of his breath on my face. I felt his stare penetrate me. I didn't move. I could not breathe. He always did this to me.

"Do I miss us? Do I miss you?"

I nodded although it was completely unnecessary.

"Bella there isn't a day that goes by where you are not constantly in my thoughts, in my mind. Sometimes it's all that I could think of, it consumed me. I miss everything about you. Your smile, your voice, your beautiful face. The way we used to laugh. Our talks. The way your touch, no matter how small or insignificant, shocked me to my core. I felt it in my heart. And I'm sorry I have hurt you. And I'm sorry that has made you doubt what you mean to me… what you have always meant to me. I guess I have a lot more to do than I realized."

"That's why I'm here. We both have a lot to do." I tried not to but I yawned. My little excursion had made me tired again. I hope I didn't have to leave.

"Stay with me?"

I was a bit surprised by his invitation. I had planned on trying to stay but I was sure it was going to take a few subtle hints and coaxing on my part.

"Of course."

I pulled him over to the bed. I lied down and started to pull the covers up when I noticed he hadn't followed. He was just standing there watching me.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, nothing at all." He joined me and we pulled the covers up and just stared at each other for a few moments.

"This morning I never could have imagined I would be where I am right now." That was an understatement.

"Thank you." He brushed my hair away. His fingertips brushed along my forehead and down my cheek.

"For?" Surprised I could even utter that single word.

"This, being here, coming here tonight for me. I did need you, I was thinking the same thing, about your window, right before you knocked."

"Your welcome, but this was for me too. And thanks for your honesty, it's nice to hear I was needed."

He slowly leaned towards me. For a moment I thought he was going to kiss me. Really kiss me. But I couldn't expect that from him, not yet at least. His lips barely touched my forehead and he moved his hand. This right here was more than I could hope for, at least for now. He closed his eyes and seemed a bit more peaceful as he drifted off. I watched him, completely at ease in this moment, until I could no longer keep myself awake.

I was warm and comfortable.

I felt happy.

I felt better than I usually did most mornings.

I felt arms.

Arms around me_. Arms around me!_

I felt Edward. _And not just his arms_. _Hello_…_Good Morning. _He held me close, one arm around my back, the other around my waist. My head felt perfect against his chest, my thigh hitched high along his waist, my calf against his…

"Well, well, well, look what we have here."

_Alice. Maybe I could pretend to still be sleeping._

"Don't pretend to be sleeping, I know you. You too Edward."

"Alice, we had a rough night." He groaned.

"Yeah it totally looks like it from where I'm standing. Maybe we should get another opinion, everyone is here."

"No!" We both yelled. I shot up, a little too fast. The last thing I wanted was Emmetts commentary on us and what happened last night. He had a dirty little devious mind.

"Okay, okay. I brought you coffee. I was a little annoyed when you didn't call this morning, but I figured yesterday was a long day. I went to drive over to your house when surprise, surprise, whose car is in my driveway. You're lucky Jackson stopped me from finding you, but it's been killing me, I couldn't let you two sleep any longer."

"Sleep longer? What time is it?" Edward sat up and rubbed his eyes.

"Almost eleven. Bella you don't need to go home and change, I have clothes for you here, and everything is in the bathroom. But we do have to go, we have a few appointments."

"I'm sorry Alice, I'll be quick."

"Don't be sorry, you seem to have so much to tell on our drive. Don't think you're going to be keeping secrets this time. I know about before, even if you two think I never did."

_She knew this whole time?_

"Yeah, I totally knew!" And with that Alice floated out of the room.

I went to get up but Edward grabbed me and pulled me back into bed. I could so get used to this.

"Five more minutes…"

"As tempting as that sounds I can't, Alice and Rosalie are waiting. I'll be back later."

"Yeah, I'm sure Emmett is waiting for me too, we have plans with Jackson. But I do need five more minutes." He pulled the covers over his head.

"Stay here until I get back, I want a proper goodbye without an audience."

"I'll be waiting."

I grabbed my bag and walked into his attached bathroom. I quickly took a shower and got ready. I grabbed my purse and quickly applied mascara and lip gloss. I put on the jeans and v-neck sweater Alice left out for me. I walked back into the bedroom and slipped on my flats. Edward was lying on the bed with his eyes closed, but wasn't asleep.

"Come here." He said without looking at me or opening his eyes.

I walked over and sat next to him on the bed.

"You look beautiful." His three simple little words made me feel amazing.

"Thank you, I'll see you later?"

"I'm not sure of our plans but I'm sure Alice will keep you out shopping longer than Em will want to hangout. I'm sure we will be here when you get back."

I nodded my head at him. I wasn't really sure what I expected. It was another goodbye for now but it was awkward again. It should feel more casual. Maybe I had too many expectations that we would be where we were before. I needed to be patient, but when I was Edward I couldn't be, I always wanted more. _More of him_. I got up and started to walk out the door.

"Bella, wait!"

_Maybe he felt the same way._

"Hmm?" I turned around not expecting he would already be standing before me.

"Bella." He whispered.

"Yes?"

And then he stepped forward, closing the small space that separated us. I looked at him, his messy hair, his face, his perfection. He grabbed my face and before I could feel nervous I felt his lips against mine. I closed my eyes. He was soft and subtle at first, almost apprehensive. I wrapped my arms around him and that was all the permission he needed to deepen the kiss. I rubbed my hands against his back. I didn't want to stop, I needed this. There was nothing awkward between us in this moment. His hands moved from around my face and into my hair. He touch was amazing. He slowly wrapped his arms around me and pulled back, kissing me softly again. He kissed the corner of my mouth, my cheek, my closed eyes and then my forehead. I wanted him more than I ever did before.

I had nothing to say. His kiss took away my ability to think and form words.

He looked at me and smiled.

"That is a proper goodbye."

_I completely agree._

**A/N:****I would love some feedback, Please review for me.**_  
_


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: Twilight, not mine**

_All through the night I'll be watching over you  
And all through the night I'll be standing over you  
And through bad dreams I'll be right there baby  
telling you everything's going to be alright  
When you cry I'll be there baby  
telling you were never nothing less than beautiful  
So don't you worry  
I'm your angel standing by_

_**Angel Standing By-Jewel**_

I reluctantly left Edward to join Alice and Rosalie. Although difficult to leave, I was looking forward to spending the day with the girls. I wasn't however looking forward to the interrogation I was about to receive. I passed eye brow wagging Emmett in the living room.

"Hey there Bella how was your night?" I knew it was killing him not to say more but Rosalie probably told him to go easy on me. I wasn't so sure about what he was going to inflict on Edward.

"Hey Em, it was nice. Where are the girls?"

"Nice… nice! That's all I get is nice? C'mon give me something."

"Hey I have to deal with Alice and Rosalie, there's nothing to tell but I'm sure that isn't stopping you from getting to Edward. Take it easy on him okay."

"Boooring…. BOOOO! The girls are waiting outside for you in Rosies car. And Bella…."

"Yeah?"

"I'll take it easy on Eddie." He said laughing using his little air quotes.

"Great. See you guys later!"

I walked outside and pulled the door of Rosalies red Beamer open. They were laughing, singing Lil' Kims Ladies Night at the top of their lungs. _I missed my girls._

As soon as I slid into the front seat Rosalie shut the music off. _Uh-oh. _Rosalie sped out of the driveway and I waited for it to begin. I saw their smiles, their devious, dirty, delicious little smirks. Rosalie arched her eyebrow at me.

"You know I've always been jealous of those who can do that, it's so mischievous looking. I can't curl my tongue or whistle either." I sipped my coffee waiting for the storm of questions.

"Fucking spill it Bella." I nearly spit my coffee out on Rosalies dash.

"There really is nothing to tell."

"Oh but I bet you want there to be." Alice said leaning forward from the back seat.

"Did you come home with plans to deflower Cullen?' Rosalie always did get right to the point.

"And don't mind me Bella, I already plan to pretend your not talking about my brother."

"What do you want me to say? I came here for lots of reasons. I ran away from my problems when all I really wanted to do was be home. I neglected my friends and one of them happens to be Edward." I knew that was in no way going to satisfy their need for the gossip.

"Cut the crap Bella. Blah, Blah, Blah that's all I hear. We know you neglected us and we know why and were past that. Were sisters and your back, were back, and that's what matters. Of course you're here for Alice and for me, but what's more important is what you're doing for yourself. And by doing I mean fucking."

"Rosalie!"

"Belllaaa!" They both said, taunting me.

"What do you want me to say?"

"We can't offer you our extensive knowledge and advice if you don't ask for it. And you want to ask, I can just feel it."

Alice was right, I needed their advice. I just wasn't sure if I, if we were at that point yet.

"I want to fix our friendship first, I am not sure how Edward feels and if we are at the point of taking us further."

"Yes but when that point arrives, don't you want to be ready?

_True._

"Bella, Alice and I know you're still a card carrying member of the V club, as is Eddie."

"He is?"

"You're joking right? Bella, my brother is a recluse. If you don't fix him he's going to be the old curmudgeon that swats his broom at poor little kids on Halloween. He hasn't done anything or anyone since you left."

"Thanks a lot Alice, that makes me feel just great."

"Oh c'mon, you know that's not what I meant. You know he loves you, and he has been miserable but that isn't your fault. He has done this to himself. We all know you tried, we all tried. He just wasn't ready yet. He isn't completely ready now but he has been more willing than I have ever seen him before and that IS because of you." She said wrapping her arms around my shoulders.

"So what did happen last night?" Rosalie was always one to get back to the point, especially when it became too sappy for her.

"Nothing, really I swear. Before I left yesterday he reminded me how he used to climb into my window and last night I returned the favor. We talked a little and then fell asleep."

"And? It looked like more than just sleeping to me."

"We shared a small yet amazing kiss this morning before I left, but really nothing more." _Unfortunately._

"But you want more? I mean nothing will go back to the way it was, you know that right? We were kids then, we all changed and we are moving forward. The both of you need to move forward. It's pointless trying to recreate the past, it won't happen."

I knew Rosalie was right, but had no clue where to begin. I did have to somewhat deal with the past. I needed to help Edward get over his guilt, make him understand none of this was ever his fault. But did I have to do that before we could move forward? Could I do both at the same time? After this morning, I truly hoped so.

"No, I want more but I don't know if he will completely let me in until he realizes we can't change what happened and he can't feel so damn guilty. I don't want us to become physical if he will just regret it and tell me he doesn't deserve me. I hate that shit now and it would be even worse if he said that after…you know?"

"Bella he won't say that after, he will be thanking you, worshipping you."

"Rosalie you don't understand how hard he is on himself. Alice knows, I've seen his mood change several times and I've only been for a day."

"You are making this too difficult. I have seen the mood swings, the depression, but trust me when I say he has been his best in the last day. It's hard for him to accept that he deserves happiness in his life. Edward is adjusting and I know it will only get better from here, trust me."

"I do Alice, and you too Rose. Now tell me what needs to be done."

"Finally!"

They both started in on their advice, which by the way was completely opposite. I knew I was somewhere in the middle. I listened but it was starting to get overwhelming. In the end I knew I would do what made me most comfortable.

We soon arrived at our first stop. Alice had designed her own dress as well as ours and needed to go over the final plans with the seamstress. There was no point in having a wedding planner, Alice knew what she wanted, and Rosalie and I were just along for the ride. A few stores later and we had ordered the flowers and reserved the canopy, chairs and chair covers. This was actually easier than I thought it was going to be, Alice was so organized.

"Just one more stop, Jackson and I do food and cake sampling next week. Mom is taking care of the invitations and all of the travel arrangements. I have a list for you and Rosalie."

"Where are we going next?" I wasn't tired as much as I was anxious to see Edward again. I also wanted to get home and make Charlie dinner tonight. I had only left a quick note last night and hadn't really spent any time with him.

"You'll see." _I didn't like the sound of her response. But I did say that I would trust them._

You'll see turned out to be a lingerie boutique. They tried to convince me they both needed a few things but I found it rather convenient that the whole time we were there I was the only one in a dressing room. They were both shoving bras, garters, thongs, boy shorts in all fabrics and colors at me. The innocent part of me was embarrassed, a little overwhelmed. The other part, the part in me that wanted Edward was eager and excited. In the end I settled for a few sexy yet tasteful sets, much to Rosalie's dismay. I'm sure she would have been prouder if I had walked away with crotchless panties and a whip.

As we pulled into the driveway I noticed the Volvo was gone. Surprisingly we had beaten them home. I decided I should head home first, make dinner, spend time with Charlie and freshen up. It was still early and I could be back here in a few hours. I let Alice and Rosalie in on my plans and hugged them both goodbye.

When I got home Charlie was attempting to make dinner. His attempt was Dinty Moore beef stew in a can. _Umm no._

"Dad, stop, is this what you've been eating? That's just, eww, that's just gross and unhealthy."

"Bells, its fine." He would say that. I'm sure it was this or the diner every night.

"Go watch the game, I'll call you when I'm done." He kissed me on the forehead and walked into the other room.

In the end making dinner was harder than I imagined with what little Charlie had in the house. I made spaghetti and some canned corn. I would have preferred a garden salad and maybe some garlic bread but I had almost nothing to work with, I definitely needed to make a shopping trip tomorrow.

We ate in a comfortable silence. He mentioned parts of his day and I let him know little of what planning a wedding was all about. Less was always better with Charlie. I cleaned the kitchen and headed upstairs to take a shower. I let the hot water soothe me. I was nervous and a little tense. I had no idea where tonight might go after the way we left the situation this morning. I took more time to get myself ready. I packed a small bag just in case, it was later than I planned and if anything I would stay in Edwards old room.

I dropped my bag at the bottom of the stairs and let Charlie know I was heading back to the Cullens. I used wedding planning as my excuse, although I was old enough not to need one.

As I drove to the house I realized I had no real expectations. The night could go either way. I wouldn't prepare myself too much, I didn't want to be disappointed. I would be happy if we talked and at most repeated a little of last night. But part of me knew I had to push myself, remind myself I would have to lead. _Except Edward did kiss me this morning._ That was an interesting thought. I needed to remind myself of what I really wanted from Edward.

I pulled up as Rosalie and Emmett seemed to be leaving. I was disappointed I wouldn't spend any time with Emmett. He would have definitely helped me relax. I said a quick goodbye as they drove off and headed into the house.

Esme and Carlisle were probably already upstairs. Alice and Jackson were on the couch. His head was in her lap and she was stroking his hair. I didn't want to intrude on their private moment and Alice must have noticed that as she motioned to Edwards room. I waved at her as I made my way down the hall.

I didn't want to assume I would be staying with Edward and left my bag outside his door. I knocked before I let myself in, just to be sure. The moment I saw him I knew exactly where I wanted this night to go. He was sitting on his bed, his back against his headboard, reading a book. He was wearing simple pajama pants…and nothing else. He smiled when I walked in and put his book down on the nightstand.

I only made it a few steps in the room when he abruptly got up and made his way over to me. He grabbed me faster than I could even react.

"Thank god you're here, I thought maybe you weren't coming back."

Before I could respond his lips were on mine again and it was more than I could have even hoped for tonight. I could feel the kiss through my entire body. I ached for him. He kissed me as though he needed to make up for all the times he hadn't. His touch wasn't apprehensive or awkward. I was made to be touched by him. My body had waited for him. I had waited for Edward and this kiss told me he had done the same. This was nothing like this morning, and I dreaded when he would break away. I would never have the strength to do it. How would I ever have the strength to leave this man again?

_Maybe I wouldn't have to lead after all._

**A/N: Just to let you know a little lemony treat is planned for the next chapter. Please review, tell me its great, just okay or totally sucks ass, just tell me somethin'! Thank you.  
**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: Twilight, don't own it, just love it.**

**I'm getting lots of hits but only a few reviews per chap, R/R pretty please. For those who have been, Thank you!! I continue to write for you.  
**

Edward had never touched me this way. I had never been touched _this_ way. I viewed my sexual experience, or rather the lack of, as sort of pathetic. I had been lonely but never to the point in which I would allow myself to be with just anyone. But I realized in this exact moment it didn't matter. Nothing would have ever compared to the way I felt with Edward. As we stood kissing in the middle of him room it occurred to me I wasn't scared or nervous. I knew we weren't going to sleep together tonight. For one, we hadn't discussed that aspect of our relationship yet, I knew we would eventually, just not on the second night of my return. I also knew I had a lot of questions to ask, not only of Edward but myself as well.

I wanted to ask about us, what we wanted from each other. I wanted to know his plans for his life, if he even knew what he wanted anymore. I wanted to ask questions about his prosthetics the internet couldn't answer. I wanted to know all that he had gone through the last four years. I had endless questions that I needed answered.

But all that could wait. I let all my thoughts and worries drift away. The only thing I wanted from Edward was him, all of him, with me, on me, touching me. I wanted to feel him.

He was confident in this moment and I knew if I wasn't the same he would begin to regret his choices tonight. I wasn't going to question what suddenly made him secure. I wasn't going to allow embarrassment or regret. I also understood it wasn't about leading or following. We were doing this together as equals, neither one of us stronger than the other.

I slipped my flats off, never breaking our kiss, and pushed him toward the bed. As we got closer he fell backwards.

"Oh my god… Edward are you okay?" I didn't know what was safe or uncomfortable for him.

"Bella, I'm fine, are you alright?" He said quietly as he sat up against his pillows along the headboard.

"I'm more than alright."

"Come here." He held out his hand and pulled me on top of him. I straddled him, my knees resting against his hips as he pulled us down further. I hovered slightly as he touched my face. His smooth fingertips gracefully swept down my cheek and along my chin. I closed my eyes as he placed his palms against my throat and pulled me towards him for another kiss. I ran my fingers through his hair and began to pull harder, a little rougher. He moaned and I could feel what I was doing was what he wanted too. He intensified our kiss, sucking my bottom lip with his own.

"Bella…" He whispered as he placed feathery kisses along my collarbone. His nose dancing along my neck. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer, his face resting on my chest.

I didn't want this to stop. "Edward… please I need you." I said without desperation in my voice. It was more of an affirmation, an invitation for him to continue. We were without this desire for too long.

He looked up at me and I saw his nervousness and apprehension returning. But I also saw his lust, his need for me. He was lost and unsure.

I needed to take over, he would not say no to me tonight.

I pushed him back against the pillow. I traced my fingers over his smooth shoulders and then stopped abruptly. His breath hitched and then stopped altogether. His scars. I almost had forgotten about them, another reminder of that night we shared. He looked up at me with pained eyes. I was going to lose him and this moment if I didn't react quickly.

Without hesitating I pulled my shirt over my head. I watched his expression change again, this time to curiosity. His eyes roamed my body but he didn't stare. I waited until his eyes met mine again before I pulled my hair over my left shoulder, turning my right towards him. My scars. I wasn't revealing mine to hurt or remind him. I was silently telling him he had nothing to be embarrassed about. Our injuries, our scars, our memories were part of us.

He touched them at first and then slowly I felt his lips kiss along the marks on my body. He was accepting them, not taking blame for them, at least for now.

"You're beautiful." He said, turning me to face him again. He rolled us over and placed me softly on my back. He held his weight on his elbow, balancing above me. He gazed directly in my eyes as his hand roamed to the button of my jeans, silently asking permission. I nodded. It opened with ease and I lifted my hips so he could ease me out of them. He pulled himself up his knees as he took them off. I realized I was nearly bare, exposing my body to Edward wearing only my pale pink boy shorts and cotton bra.

His eyes skimmed over my entire body, more intent, closer this time. He placed his body above me, between my legs. I felt his hardness against my thigh and the cool sensation of metal and plastic where his pants had ridden up against the bottom of my bare legs. I felt the warmness of his chest against mine as he leaned towards me. He ran his fingers through my hair as he kissed me again. I whimpered slightly, it had only been a few minutes but I already missed the feel of his lips on mine.

It was intense, all the feelings and emotions we were sharring. Our passion consumed us, nothing else mattered.

"Touch me." I needed to tell him what I desired, that all of this was okay.

He moved along side of my body, moving his hand slowly down my chest. He softly caressed my breast, circling his thumb against my nipple. I arched my back slightly, the sensations he created within me were wonderful. He kissed me aggressively, his tongue massaging my own. I pulled his lip into my mouth as his touch became firm. His fingers trailed over my stomach, and slowly against my waist. I knew he was reluctant to go any further. I could sense his hesitation.

"Edward please…"

"Bella…I'm not sure I know how to…"

I wasn't sure what he could possibly be trying to tell me. Did he not understand what he was doing to me, how he was making me feel?

"I want to make you feel good, the way you deserve, but I'm not sure I know how to." He said against my lips.

Were there any words I could say to make him understand I had absolutely no doubts? I could only show him. I had to ease the anxiety he possessed about not being adequate enough for me.

I placed my hand over his and placed them inside my shorts. Guiding his hand with my own, I stroked his finger against my bare lips. I could feel my wetness on our fingertips. He closed his eyes and relaxed his shoulders.

"You do this to me…as I do this to you." I said as I grinded my hip against his erection. "You don't have anything to worry about, I already feel amazing."

"Bella you're so wet, god you feel so good…" He shuddered as he painted my lips with my juices. He rested his head on my shoulder. "I want you…"

My passion overtook any apprehension or fear that either one of us might possess, I needed to ease his concerns.

"Edward, sit up on the pillows" He looked worried for a moment, as if I were ending this. "I want you to watch me. I want to show you how to touch me."

He looked at me shocked, realizing what I wanted to do for him, for the both of us. He didn't say a word as he pushed himself against the back of the bed. I grabbed a pillow, placing it on the other end. I faced him as I leaned back, propping my body towards him as I rested on one elbow. _I just invited dirty Bella out to play._

"Watch me…" I ran my hand over my breast, pulling aside the fabric that confined me, exposing myself to him. I slowly licked the tips of two fingers and began teasing my nipple. His eyes became wide, excited. _Perfect._

I leaned my head back as I placed my fingers on the outside of my panties, feeling my swollen mound, the wetness they he had caused.

"Bella…" A faint whisper escaping his mouth.

I used my own hand to pull them down leaving them at my bent knees. I spread my legs further apart, showing him my bare, wet pussy. "Edward, pull them down for me." I felt my body heat up, I was sure my body was blushing yet I ignored it. I was going to finish what I started.

He leaned forward, pulling them down slowly as he stared directly into my eyes. I felt his sharp gaze pierce my heart with such intensity. I lifted my foot slightly in front of his face, smiling as my pink little panties hung off my toes. He smirked, a deliciously naughty smile. As he leaned back I could see his erection strain against his cotton pants.

I ran my fingers along my slit, up one side, then the other. As I began circling my clit, I moaned, showing him how good I felt. I'd much rather it be him touching me this way but he wanted to know how, I needed to show him. And then I realized as much as he may be enjoying watching me pleasure myself, I wanted him to feel it too.

"Edward show me, I want to see you." I almost didn't recognize my own voice.

It was all the permission he needed. He lowered his hand pulling his cock free from his pants. Now it was my turn to be shocked, I think I may have even quietly gasped. He was fucking magnificent. He began stroking himself, long strokes pausing slightly over his swollen head. It was the sexiest, most erotic occurrence I had ever experienced.

"Bella, please don't stop." I hadn't realized I was frozen, so entranced by Edwards body. I began again, harder and faster. Watching him stroke his cock so intensely was pushing me over the edge.

"God Edward, I'm…."

He quickly lunged towards me, grabbing my arm and pulling me to straddle him again. He unclasped my bra before wrapping one arm around my waist. He snatched my wrist, placing my wet fingers in his mouth, gently sucking my juices off with his soft tongue. Tasting me.

"Please let me Bella, I need to make you cum." He was so sure of himself, his voice so husky, sexy, and so confident.

"Please…" He began touching me, rubbing my wet lips, slightly teasing my clit. I began grinding myself against his hand as he placed kisses across my chest, suddenly taking my hard nipple into his mouth.

I took my hand, slightly wet from both myself and his mouth and wrapped it firmly around his cock. I could feel his moan on my breast as he paused. I began stroking, taking my hand down his entire length, feeling his hardness.

"I want you to cum with me…hard."

I grinded into him faster, riding his wet fingers on my clit. I felt it building stronger inside me, waves of intensity, every part of me sensitive against him.

"Bella, faster…" I felt him become harder, his cock twitching in my hand

He looked at me his eyes partially closed. His face serene and sexier than I had ever seen before. As I kissed him, everything exploded within me.

"Edward…" His name escaped my lips as I arched my back, riding the end of my climax.

"Bella….fuck…" He placed his hand over mine, intertwining our fingers, thrusting twice before emptying himself over both of us.

He held me tightly as we kissed softly. I broke away, kissing him one last time on the tip of his nose before getting up.

"Where…?" He looked confused.

"I'll be right back." I headed into the bathroom, cleaned myself up quickly before grabbing another towel. I slipped on his shirt that was folded on the counter and walked back into his room. I gave him the towel and turned towards the door. I quietly opened the door and grabbed my bag from the hallway. I locked it this time, I didn't want any wake up calls from Alice.

"Bella, that was…"

"I know." I said smiling as climbed back into bed. He held out his arms and I snuggled against him. He pulled the blankets over us and turned off the light. I felt his hand rubbing my back gently as I drifted off to sleep.

We didn't need to say anything more. There were no words.

**A/N: I know in most fics Edward, whether a virgin or extremely experienced, is perfection in bed. However this Edward is insecure, emotional and a bit stunted. His insecurity leads to his apprehension and inability to think he can please Bella. He won't always be this way but this time Bella did have to run the show, so to speak.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight but I do own a picture of Kellan and I that my husband totally despises.**

**A/N: I already had this written and was going to post right away but after the lack of reviews thought maybe I should revise it a bit. But then I realized I liked it and people ARE reading my story even if they aren't reviewing so here you go. **

**I still would like reviews though!**

_**One's real life is often the life that one does not lead.**_

_**Oscar Wilde**_

Two years ago I had briefly attempted to "talk" to a therapist. After a few sessions it seemed pointless. I convinced myself that at least I tried. Looking back I realized I was never completely honest. I vaguely spoke of the nonexistent relationship I had with my mother, the stress of college life, the loneliness I was feeling. During the third session when again the question arose as to why I had decided to see a therapist I rambled complete nonsense until the timer went off. I cancelled my next appointment and avoided any follow up calls.

Similar to two years before it was easier to run away from all my issues. I led my life, if that's what you can call it. I woke up each morning, went to class. I took a job in the library, something that didn't require many social skills. My "friends" were members of a study group and a former roommate. I went to a several parties, I even had a few "dates". I pretended to listen to their life story, laughed at their jokes, and at the end of the night thanked them for a nice dinner. _Yeah they usually never called again, I didn't really want them to_. I tried to act normal. I went through the motions everyday always thinking to myself "How did I end up here?" This wasn't supposed to be my life.

I had only been home a few days and already I was happier than I had been in… well I guess the last time I was home. _Last night certainly made me happy. _

I also felt lost. Who exactly was I now? I wasn't the carefree Bella from four years ago but I also wasn't the liar from last week.

I would have to stop blaming the past and quit asking myself why I wasn't somewhere else, with someone else. Coming home was a start, being with my family again, being with Edward. It was if I woke up from a coma three days ago and realized I had been sleeping for four years. I had a life to live and I knew someone who needed to do the same, even if he didn't know it yet.

I woke up to see I wasn't in Edwards arms and it worried me.

I noticed he was sitting at the end of the bed, his back away from me. His hair was wet and he was only wearing a pair of cargo shorts. As I sat up he turned to me and smiled. All my worries quickly fading away.

"Hey, I didn't mean to wake you. It's still pretty early. I kinda have a routine. It takes me a lot longer to get ready now."

As I crawled closer I realized he was putting a sleeve over his knee before he placed his second prosthetic back on. His wheelchair was at the end of the bed, crutches against the wall. I had questions about his routine but they could all wait.

"No you didn't wake me, how long have you been up?"

"About an hour."

He quickly finished and leaned back to get back in bed, pulling me with him. I cuddled closer to his bare chest as he wrapped his arm around me and played with the ends of my hair. Suddenly I could hear his heart start to beat rapidly and I was hoping this was a good nervousness and not a bad.

"Bella?"

"Yes?" _Please don't tell me you're sorry._

"Last night I really had plans to talk with you when you came back."

"I know, so did I." _But kissing you was so much better._

"But we didn't?"

I sat up. "What are you trying to say Cullen?" I smiled. I didn't want him to apologize. Doing that would make me feel as though he had regrets. And that would just piss me off.

"I didn't mean to attack to you when you walked into my room….but I'm really glad I did." He said leaning in to kiss me, his lips touching mine softly. I didn't care what I looked like at the moment, messy hair or morning breath. Edward was kissing me and he woke up with no regrets.

"Feel free to attack me whenever you wish." I said as we broke free of our amazing kiss.

"Okay, what are your plans for today?" he said laughing, pushing me onto my back.

His wet hair fell over his face and as I brushed it away as I became lost in a pair of brilliant green eyes.

"Edward…" I whispered.

We just stared at each other, I was entirely gone.

"Bella, last night was really amazing" His voice breaking me free of my trance.

"I know, I was there."

We laughed and it was wonderful.

"It is pretty early did you want to sleep longer or get something to eat?"

"What time is it?" I asked.

"Uh about seven-thirty."

"What? I'm not tired enough to fall asleep but I don't want to get out of bed yet."

"I was hoping you would say that." _Thank god._

"I need a quick minute." I said before hopping out of bed.

I walked into the bathroom and started the shower. I may have not been ready to get out of bed but I needed to freshen up. As I stepped into the stream of warm water last night replayed in my mind. All of his kisses, our touching, the way his skin felt against my own. I soon realized my body was reacting to those memories. I abruptly turned off the water and grabbed the fluffy towel Edward left on the counter for me. I wiped the fog off the mirror and ran my fingers through my hair. I smiled to myself as I realized walking out in this small towel would have a much better effect than his old shirt. _This was going to be fun._

I walked out of the bathroom, instantly feeling the chill of the early morning air. I had only been gone a few minutes and Edward was still where I left him. I intentionally ignored him as I walked over to my bag on the chair.

He groaned.

_Go Bella, Go Bella._

I turned around innocently. "Is something wrong?"

He said nothing as I faced him. He propped himself up on his elbow and pointed at me to join him.

"Come here Bella." His voice was deeper and incredibly sexy. His tongue briefly brushing over his lower lip as he tucked it in his mouth. I could feel my body become limp. I could wetness drip onto my thighs. My nipples hardened.

_He hadn't even touched me yet._

As much as I thought I was going to tease him this morning he suddenly had the upper hand. I had given him permission earlier and he intended on acting on my invitation. His eyes said more than words ever could. I didn't see nervousness or apprehension. All I saw in Edwards face was lust and determination.

I wanted him.

He needed me.

I crawled in to bed as he pulled the covers back. He quickly pulled me under his body, draping the soft blanket over us. I closed my eyes in anticipation of his kiss. I instantly felt unbelievably soft lips on my own. His tongue traced over my lower lip and I opened my mouth, the desire to taste him strong.

"More…" I whimpered. My body needing his hands.

He pulled gently at my towel completely exposing my body. He instantly placed kisses over my breasts moaning as his tongue found my almost painfully hard nipples. I arched my back at the absolutely amazing sensation.

_What was he doing to me?_

"God Bella what are you doing to me?"

"I was just thinking the same thing."

He kissed me again, not as soft as before. His fingers slowly tracing over my body until they rested against my soaking wet core. I wasn't shy about it. I wanted him to know how he affected my body. The way by body reacted was entirely because of what he was doing. He instantly began rubbing my clit. _Obviously he paid attention last night._

I didn't take me long to start to feel it, harder and stronger than before.

"Edward…" I moaned softy.

I could feel his mouth curve against mine as he smiled, obviously satisfied with what he was doing to me. My hand found his hair pulling harder than I meant to as my orgasm took over. He massaged my wet folds as I relaxed into him. I was probably grinning like an idiot. I didn't really care though, I felt fucking amazing.

He watched me with an indescribable look on his face. I wanted to give him more.

"Lean back..." I said as he rolled away from me.

I placed myself between his legs, placing my fingers underneath the waistband of his shorts before stopping.

"I want this." I don't think he knew entirely how I was planning on pleasuring him. It wasn't going to be the same as last night.

I pulled his shorts and boxers down slowly leaving them against his thighs. He propped himself onto his elbows in anticipation. He closed his eyes as I slowly licked my lips.

I slowly placed my tongue where Edward had obviously expected to feel my soft hands. His eyes flew open in shock and excitement. His cock twitched against my mouth.

"Bella…oh…fuck…" He leaned his head back as I traced my tongue over his hard tip. At first I had only hoped I was doing this correctly but the sounds Edward elicited answered all of my silent questions.

I suddenly began to taste Edward, all of him. Sweet, a little salty. _Absolutely delicious._

_Rosalie's slumber party lesson playing in my head._

When I took his cock fully inside my mouth his hands ran through my hair. Pulling firmly but not too rough. I traced my tongue over his entire length before taking him in again, using my hand where my mouth couldn't quite go. I could taste more of him. He became harder the faster I went, and I slowed briefly to prolong this feeling for him.

"I'm going to…fuck Bella, I have to…" He voice weakened as he watched me.

"Bella please…" I shook my head and moaned to let him know my I wasn't going to move until he came. For me.

He jerked his hips once before I felt his cock twitch ferociously in my mouth. I laced my tongue around his length, taking him all the way inside as I felt his tip grace the back of my throat. I didn't choke as saliva pooled in my mouth, leaking out of my lips and down his shaft. I used it to stroke him twice before he grunted and came heavily in my mouth. I swallowed instantly, his taste not as pleasant as before, but not so terrible I wouldn't want to taste again.

I wiped the side of my mouth before he pulled me up onto him. I could feel him against my stomach, still wet from my mouth.

"Where did you…"

I giggled. "Rosalie felt the need to give us a lesson at a sleepover after perfecting her technique on Em." I said rolling my eyes.

"You didn't have to…"

"I said I wanted to…did you not like it?' I said suddenly worried I pushed us too far too fast.

"Bella like doesn't come close to describing what you just did for me. Aside from feeling like I need to worship you for the rest of my life I also feel like I should buy Rose some kind of gift."

"Yeah I can just imagine when she asks why you're giving her that new bag she's been talking about."

"So you never…?" I knew what he was asking and for a moment I didn't know whether or not I should feel insulted. But it occurred to me that this was the best time for this to come up, as we relaxed and joked with each other.

"No I never… you?" I was almost positive of his answer but I did feel the need to ask.

"No, I'm not into guys." He said seriously.

I smacked him on the arm playfully. "You know what I mean!"

"No, I've never been with anyone else except for you Bella. I've never wanted to be with anyone else, if were being honest."

I didn't feel like he needed to know about the handful of pointless dates I had over the last few years, nothing had ever happened.

"Me either" I said, snuggling closer against him.

I started to think about how I had at least attempted to lead a life while I was away. I went to school, had a job, and pathetically socialized. But what had Edward been doing these last four years? I had no idea beside his brief recovery in the Seattle rehabilitation center. He was only there a few months before he came home to continue treatment in Port Angeles. I thought about what Alice had said to me yesterday. _"__Bella, my brother is a recluse."_

"Edward what have you been doing since I left?"

He suddenly tensed beneath me.

**A/N: Next up EPOV and a much needed conversation.**


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I could totally lie and say RL became too hectic to write but I would be lying. Please review, I adore alerts/favs but the lack of reviews is killing my desire to continue. Although I'm not getting reviews that say "You writing sucks, what were you thinking?" Send me love, hate, criticism, advice, something. **

**_But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do  
Sunday morning rain is falling and I'm calling out to you  
Singing someday it'll bring me back to you  
Find a way to bring myself back home to you_**

**_  
-Sunday Morning_**

When I was five I pummeled Newtons chubby face when he cut Bella's hair with safety scissors. I've probably wanted to hit that idiot a hundred times since, but he never hurt her again after that day. So there was no point.

When we were seven I begged my parents for piano lessons. Renee had just left and Esme had given Bella a cd of lullabies played on a piano. It was the only thing that helped her sleep at night. Bella loved when I would play for her.

When we were ten I spent weeks teaching myself to juggle. Bella saw a guy at the carnival and thought it was so cool. It was silly and Emmett always made me perform at parties through high school but I didn't care, it always made her laugh.

And when we were eighteen I convinced her to leave me. She didn't want to go and no matter who tried to convince her otherwise she wanted to stay with me. So it was on me to talk her into leaving. As much as I loved her, needed her, wanted her I couldn't keep Bella from having a normal life.

Making Bella happy was just part of me. It wasn't a decision or a choice. There wasn't a time in my life she wasn't my best friend, a time when I didn't love her, a time when I wouldn't do anything for her. All my desires revolved around Bella. I was too blind to see that she felt the same way and when I did, it was too late. We weren't perfect, we made mistakes. But I loved learning with my girl.

When she needed me in the middle of the night I climbed up that ridiculous tree during a thunderstorm. When she wanted to cliff dive, I was there to hold her hand. When she wanted to leave Forks and go to school in California I didn't think twice, I was going with her. All I needed was Bella, she was enough for me. I was happy as long as I never let her down. I don't know when I realized she never asked for my help. I helped Bella because it made me feel closer to her. She would have been happy if I did nothing at all but be me. But the one time she actually asked for me I wasn't her friend. I never wanted to disappoint or let her down, I spent my whole life avoiding that occurrence.

But somewhere I did let her down.

She hadn't been happy.

And she didn't leave me and lead a "normal" life.

And part of me, the really selfish part, was kind of happy.

And that disgusted me.

The moment she walked into my room last night was better than any of my dreams. There wasn't a fantasy I had of us together that compared to the moment we shared. I could kiss Bella with confidence but anything more I felt like a total failure, totally pathetic. In my dreams I brought her pure pleasure. In reality I was utterly lost. I didn't want to fumble, stutter and poke around like a teenager. I'm supposed to be a man. I am a man. An unfortunate man. It made me ill thinking about who may have touched Bella in a way I never had, in a matter I didn't deserve. I was stunned when Bella showed me, literally, how to touch her. I could only think of last night as I held her in my arms. Her touch, her moans, the way she pleasured herself. The sight, the feeling of her small hand stroking my cock, the way she quivered when she came.

"_Bella…"_

"_Edward… please I need you."_

"_You're beautiful."_

"_Touch me." _

"_Edward please…" _

"_Bella…I'm not sure I know how to…"_

"_You don't have anything to worry about, I already feel amazing."_

"_I want you…"_

"_I want you to watch me. I want to show you how to touch me."_

"_Edward show me, I want to see you."_

"_Please…"_

"_I want you to cum with me…hard." _

"_Edward…"_

"_Bella….fuck…"_

I was now painfully hard. It didn't help matters that I barely slept throughout the night as Bella rubbed her body against mine. I could feel her nipples hard against my chest and her wetness on my thigh. She whispered my name and smiled. Total fucking torture. I loved every minute.

I decided to get up and began my demoralizing routine. After Bella had fallen asleep I removed my prosthetics silently praying she would not wake and see me without them. We hadn't discussed that situation. She didn't ask and I didn't offer too much information. I knew she was more than likely embarrassed to bring up her questions. I should just offer to answer her curiosity but it made me ashamed to explain this difficult aspect of my life. Simple tasks now took a ridiculous amount of time and effort. The most mundane occurrences in life now became fears.

Please don't wake up and find me on the bench in the shower, I would be humiliated.

Fortunately I was able to finish my morning routine when I felt her behind me in bed. She crawled over to me and I instantly became entranced with her swollen lips and messy hair. _Yeah that was because of me._

"Hey, I didn't mean to wake you. It's still pretty early. I kinda have a routine. It takes me a lot longer to get ready now."

"No you didn't wake me, how long have you been up?"

"About an hour" I said leaning back into bed, taking Bella with me. I played with her hair, another way to touch her. I suddenly became nervous thinking of a way to approach last night.

"Bella?"

"Yes?"

"Last night I really had plans to talk with you when you came back."

"I know, so did I."

"But we didn't?"

"What are you trying to say Cullen?"

"I didn't mean to attack to you when you walked into my room….but I'm really glad I did." I said leaning in for a kiss I already waited too long for. I'm lame, finding no other way to eloquently explain how much last night meant to me and to us a couple. _Are we a couple?_

"Feel free to attack me whenever you wish." _I plan to anytime you let me._

"Okay, what are your plans for today?" I said laughing, pushing her onto her back. Enjoying the way her body felt beneath mine. She brushed my hair away and stared at me with such intensity I couldn't imagine looking away. I was lost to Bella, she owned me.

"Edward…" she whispered.

"Bella, last night was really amazing."

"I know, I was there." We laughed together and it was fantastic.

"It is pretty early did you want to sleep longer or get something to eat?"

"What time is it?" she asked.

"Uh about seven-thirty." I hoped she didn't want to do anything other than be here with me.

"What? I'm not tired enough to fall asleep but I don't want to get out of bed yet." _Thank god._

"I was hoping you would say that."

"I need a quick minute" she said heading into my bathroom, a second later I heard her start the shower.

Only a few moments later she came out in only a towel. When did Bella become such a seductress, so confident? I was completely grateful for her approach but I needed to tease her back. I needed her. Now.

She turned and glanced at me, completely innocent. "Is something wrong?" she said teasing me.

I leaned on my elbow motioning her to join me. "Come here Bella."

I was no longer nervous. Last night she gave me the assurance I needed. She taught me to please her and I was ever the eager student. I hoped she could sense my desire, my need to please her again.

I pulled her under the covers, cradling her soft body against mine. She slowly closed her eyes as my lips touched hers. I lightly traced my tongue over her bottom lip as she opened her mouth. She was delicious.

"More…" she whispered.

I felt her warm body as I peeled away her towel. My eyes eagerly roamed her wet curves, her hard nipples, the smoothness of her stomach. She arched slightly as I placed kisses that lead towards her beautiful breasts. I felt her quiet moans.

"God Bella what are you doing to me?"

"I was just thinking the same thing."

I kissed her with more force. Unable to hide my desire any longer I traced slowly down her body searching for ways to make her whimper. I was silently begging her to please me with my touch. I thought I might come just feeling her wet pussy and she had yet to touch me.

"Edward…" Her whispers were going to be my undoing.

I had to smugly smile as her hand twisted in my hair. I could feel her body start to let go, her face relaxing. I was making my girl come. It was beautiful. She felt fucking amazing.

"Lean back..." she said placing her body between my legs. I pulled myself up, hoping she would touch me the way she had last night. She pulled my throbbing cock away from the confines of my clothes and licked her lips. _She wasn't going to…?_

"I want this."

_Oh my god she was._ I closed my eyes.

Her tongue barely skimmed my engorged head, the sensation caused my eyes to open, I didn't want to miss watching her please me.

"Bella…oh…fuck…" I was unraveling, loving the feel of her mouth on me.

I was a mess of words, feelings, sensations. Watching Bella lick me, stroke me was becoming too much and I was embarrassed this was going to be over faster than I imagined. She slowed a bit, yet I couldn't hold back any more than I had already.

"I'm going to…fuck Bella, I have to…" I said my voice weakening with a warning. I moaned loudly, my cock twitching as I came deeply in her mouth. She swallowed, licking her lips, wiping her hand across her mouth as I pulled her closer to me.

"Bella please…where did you…" I didn't really want to know.

She giggled. "Rosalie felt the need to give us a lesson at a sleepover after perfecting her technique on Em" she said rolling her eyes.

"You didn't have to…" I didn't want her to think I expected her to please me as amazing as she made me feel. But part of me felt guilty, as though we had moved too fast in the few days she had come home. The other part said fuck it, I had known this astonishingly beautiful woman almost my whole life and loved her just as long.

"I said I wanted to…did you not like it?" _Was she joking?_

"Bella like doesn't come close to describing what you just did for me. Aside from feeling like I need to worship you for the rest of my life I also feel like I should buy Rose some kind of gift."

"Yeah I can just imagine when she asks why you're giving her that new bag she's been talking about."

"So you never…?" I regretted the words the moment I said them.

"No I never… you?"

"No, I'm not into guys" I said trying not to laugh.

She smacked me playfully on the arm. "You know what I mean!"

"No, I've never been with anyone else except for you Bella. I've never wanted to be with anyone else, if were being honest."

I would never mention the Tanya debacle. EVER.

"Me either."

I felt better in this moment than I had in years and it was solely because of Bella. She wasn't putting up with my guilt or my attempts to push her away as I had in the past. She had become confident and positive of her trust in me. The last few days made me question the decisions I had made for the two of us. I was an idiot, I am an idiot. I needed to talk to her, answer her questions, and apologize. I would do anything she asked of me. I would do anything she needed to make up for not being there for her the last four years. Imagining one time in her life when she needed me and I wasn't there made my regrets stronger. I could have learned something new, talked to her, protected her, pleasured her. But what if she asked me to do something for her that I couldn't?

I was afraid.

It was fear that kept me confined to my room weeks at a time. Fear often stopped me from leaving the house. I was afraid of looks of pity. I was scared of what I could no longer do, not that I tried.

Our silence made me realize Bella was thinking too. And the silence was my worst fear.

"Edward what have you been doing since I left?" she said not bothering to look at me.

I said the only thing that crossed my mind as she asked the dreaded question. Wrong or right it was the only constant in the years she'd been gone.

"Waiting for you."

She sat up resting on her knees, the sheet hung dangerously low over her breasts. She ran her hands through my hair, placing them on both side of my face.

"Edward…" she whispered with sad eyes.

"Stay with me." I never wanted to lose Bella again.

"I'm with you."


End file.
